Invader Dib
by Scribe E
Summary: The preview to Invader Dib 2 and ummmm some beatnicks. I mean who doesn't want there own beatnick?
1. Dib has a Thought

Chapter 1: Dib Has a Thought  
  
"Time to wake up! Time to wake up! Time to wake up!" Dib awoke to the loud sound of his father's personal alarm clock; a slow moving robot, which kept yelling in your ear until you woke up or died trying.  
  
"FOR THE LOVE OF.... I'm up. I'm up." Dib pushed away the large robot and slowly rolled out of his bed. Walking over to his closet, he noticed that the robot was still pushing at him and yelling in his ear even though he was fully awake. "Umm... you can stop now, I'm awake."  
  
"WAKEUPWAKEUPWAKEUPWAKEUPWAKEUP!" The robot began to push him harder and harder after each command. Dib took the arms of the robot and began to wrestle it to the ground.  
  
"I'M UP! CAN'T YOU SEE THAT? NO RAPID EYE MOVEMENT HERE!" Dib stretched his eye open with two of his fingers and the robot slowly cranked its head over. The robot scanned his eye with a small laser that popped out of its shoulder and released Dib from its grip. The small boy turned to his closet with a sigh and looked through the different assortments of leather jackets. "Thank you, now if you would be so kind as to..."  
  
"Proceeding to Level 2 wake up procedure." Dib quickly spun around to see a large assortment of missiles and gun turrets pop out of every side of the large metallic figure.   
  
"SWEET SCARY MONKEY!" Dib quickly ran over to his night-side table and flung it over as to get protection from the robot. Just as the various assortments of missiles and bullets flew at him, Dib managed to jump behind the overturned table with his hands over his ears. "Why would Dad make an alarm clock robot WITH MISSLES?"  
  
"WAKEUP WAKEUP WAKEUP WAKEUP!" The volley of missiles flew around the room blowing up nearly every personal item that the young paranormalist owned.  
  
"MY CLOTHES! MY MAGAZINES! MY... assorted collection of nitroglycerin bombs...? A sad look came upon Dib's face as the missiles struck against the poorly placed collection of nitroglycerin relics. A huge explosion followed which blew out every window in Dib's house. As the smoke cleared from the large explosion, Dib stood alone in his now empty, darkened room in his underwear.  
  
"Wow, that's pretty sad." Gaz walked past Dib's room, not even looking up from her video game. "You know, since all your clothes are now pretty much destroyed, you'll have to wear some of mine. Nice underwear by the way."  
  
"...... I hate my life." Dib slowly walked out of his room and into Gaz's where he was now forced to wear the clothes that his sister wore on a regular basis. He slipped on the leather jacket and tight shirt. Dib sighed as he held up the dark colored skirt in front of his view and slipped it on over his legs. He climbed down the winding staircase and slowly walked into the kitchen where Gaz was eating her morning cereal.  
  
"Ooo La La."  
  
"Shut up Gaz and pass the cereal." Gaz passed the cereal labeled 'Johnny the Homicidal O's' to her brother. "You know all of this would have been considered the worst morning of my short life, if not for the special package I received yesterday."  
  
"Not another one of your stupid Zim traps."  
  
"Oh this is more than just a stupid 'trap'. This is the most intricate device in alien destroying technology known to mankind. BEHOLD!" Dib took out a small device and raised it above his head in glory. "THE LASER RAY!!!"  
  
Gaz looked at the small device for about 5 seconds and turned back to her cereal. "Don't know how to break this to you, but that's not a light ray. That's a flashlight with 'Light Ray' etched into the side. Not only is it a poorly made flashlight, but 'Light Ray' is spelled wrong."  
  
Dib quickly looked back at his device and looked back up at his sister. "NEVERTHELESS! This will be the instrument of Zim's destruction and I will be the savior of the earth. Get ready Zim, cause today is MY INDEPENDENCE DAY!"  
  
"That was from a movie wasn't it?"  
  
"......I hate you Gaz."  
  
Zim kept working away at his various assortments of devices and knick-knacks as the sun popped up through the small window... Did I just say knick-knacks?.... Anyway, Zim was working hard when Gir ran right next to him.  
  
"Whatcha doin?" the small robot asked in his dog disguise as he poked at each of the devices.   
  
"GIR! Refrain from touching these devices, they are extremely delicate and if provoked may cause havoc on a worldwide scale."  
  
"This one looks like a toaster." Gir lifted it up over his head and looked at each of the slots. Two pieces of bread popped out of his mouth and he quickly put them into the slots.  
  
"GIIIR NOOO!" Zim quickly tried to take the toast out of the contraption but it was too late. The machine activated and light began to burst from it as the two pieces of toast pulled themselves out.  
  
"FREE!" The two pieces of toast began to run around Zim's lab and Zim slapped his hands against his head.   
  
"Gir, help me catch these infernal pieces of toast or surely they will bring about the end of the universe! And for the love of all things Irken, DON'T EAT THEM!"  
  
"Ohhh, I wanted toast." Gir said as he looked sadly at the two running pieces of toast. As the invader and robot ran after the rebel pieces of toast, the tallest appeared on Zim's large screen, arguing with one another.  
  
"You talk to him!"  
  
"No you talk to him!"  
  
"No it's your turn, remember I did it last time."  
  
"THAT'S A LIE AND YOU KNOW IT!"  
  
"Tallest?" Zim quickly ended his pursuit of the rampaging toast and saluted. "This is an unexpected surprise, I don't think you've ever called me here at my home base."  
  
"Well, we don't want to catch wind of any of those disgusting stink beasts." The purple tallest said as he looked nervously at Zim. "All except for that good looking Kevin McDonald from Kids in the Hall (inside joke)."  
  
"Riiiiight." The red tallest slowly inched away from his counterpart. "Anyway Zim, it is to our horror... I mean to our delight that we ask you to come back to Irk for your annual report."  
  
"I can't believe we're doing this." The purple one whispered to his red equal.  
  
"Hey, you wanna get court martialed by the council? Its regulation, we have to."  
  
"You mean I get to get off this stink world and come back to Irk? FINALLY! Thank you your tallest, I'll be there at the dawn of the next morning."  
  
"Very well Zim, Tallest out."  
  
"What's a mor-nin-g?" As the purple tallest said this, the screen faded out and Gir walked back up to his master.  
  
"Gir, where are the toast?"  
  
"I didn't eat them!"  
  
"Good."  
  
"They crawled into my mouth and walked down my throat, they love me." Zim sighed as the small robot began to run around the lab once more and Zim got ready for school.   
  
Dib walked onto the bus in his long skirt and girl's shirt and jacket with a smile on his face. All of the kids began to laugh at the poorly dressed boy.   
  
"You look stupid." Yelled the webbed-toed boy as he pointed at Dib. Dib shrugged off the laughs and taunts and sat down in the closest seat available. He looked from side to side, seeking the alien boy who had caused him so much pain in the past. Finally, he found Zim sitting three seats behind him, working on yet another of his little projects.  
  
"Finally, today Zim," Dib said as he brought the horribly designed light ray out of his backpack. "today is the day when I eat candycane and kick ass, and I'm all out of candycane."  
  
"Again," Gaz said as she interrupted Dib's thought, "that's from a movie isn't it?"  
  
"Quiet Gaz!" Dib said angrily, Gaz simply ignoring him playing her video game. After scolding his sister, Dib began to slip under each of the seats, sneaking closer and closer to Zim. Seeing Zim's feet dangling above him, Dib switched on the light ray and flashed it on Zim's green head. "DIE ALIEN FIEND!" The light ray kept moving across Zim's forehead, face and eyes and still had absolutely no effect.   
  
"In a case like this, human filth, I would give you such a hurting, but this is just sad."  
  
"You can't fool me Zim, this light ray will eventually melt through your face. Therefore I reiterate, DIE ALIEN SCUM!" Dib kept annoyingly flashing the light across Zim.  
  
"Luckily I will no longer have to put up with your mildly annoying attempts any longer." Zim crawled off his seat and walked past Dib.  
  
"What do you mean by that?" Zim turned around with a smile across his green face as Dib turned off the non effective light ray.  
  
"Why, I'm going back to Irk. And when I come back, I will be followed by an army of UNFORTOLD DESTRUCTIVE..... thingies. See you later, Dib, if there is one for your species." Zim got off the bus as Dib walked next to his sister with an astonished look on his face.  
  
"OH NO! THIS MAY BE THE.... wait a minute." Dib's scared look quickly changed to a look of glee as he started skipping around his sister.  
  
"Stop that or I'm going to have to hurt you severely."  
  
"Don't you see Gaz? This is perfect! If I can make it to Irk with Zim, I can infiltrate his homeworld and have earth invade Irk before Irk invades us. TRULY THIS IS THE WINTER OF OUR DISCONTENT!"  
  
"You don't even know what that means do you?" Gaz said as she took a second away from her video game.  
  
"......NEVERTHELESS!"  
  
End Chapter 1  
  
What will happen next? Will Zim truly get an invasion started? Will Dib stop it in time? Will Gir get indigestion? Will I ever stop talking like this? Join me won't you for Chapter 2: Green Giant Aplenty (don't ask.) 


	2. Green Giant Aplenty

Note: Here's the next chapter. Got it out quick didn't I? Way to go me! Anyway, I must state how Zim is not my creation and how I'm not trying to make any money off him. He is owned by Jhonen Vasquez *hope i spelled that right* , creator of things like Johnny the Homicidal Maniac, and therefore I'm just doing this for the fun of it...... ok i lied, I'm doing it for the chicks.   
  
  
Chapter 2: Green Giant Aplenty  
  
The day went by very quickly for the dress clad Dib. Days seemed to go like this often when Dib had a thought. That thought just so happened to be a plan that may end the Irken invasion and Zim, once and for all. As the last bell of the school day rang, Dib walked out of the skool and looked for Gaz.  
  
"Hey Girlie Boy!" Dib turned around in a state of fear as he recognized the voice that was making fun of him. He looked up to see the boy who happened to be the size of a mack truck, pounding his fist against the open side of his opposite palm. He was the official bully of skool and the children called him.......ANDREW!  
  
"What is it, Andrew?" Dib said as he turned his back to the bully, still looking for Gaz.  
  
"You gonna... you gonna get a taxi cab driver as a husband and marry him and have some kids in the country with that pretty dress on?"   
  
"You know Andrew, I've heard a lot of insults thrown at me in my day, but that had to be the most confusing illiteration I've ever heard in my entire natural life."  
  
"You're the 'most confoosing illib...illic...illitarlation I've ever hoid in mine tire nature leaf'."   
  
Dib sighed as he reached for something in the back pocket of his skirt. "Look Andrew, if you leave me alone, I'll give you this shiny new light ray."  
  
Andrew looked at the light ray for a second and then looked back up at Dib, then back at the light ray, then back at Dib. This process went on for a good ten minutes or so before Andrew finally spoke. "You're a 'shiny nu lit roy'."  
  
Dib sighed even harder as he was finally able to give the bully the light ray in exchange for not being pounded. The bully turned the poorly made flashlight on and off as he giggled to himself. Dib spotted his sister in the crowd of kids and made a break for it while Andrew was preoccupied.   
  
"So how was your day, Thumbellina?" Gaz asked as she tapped away at her newest game, Attack of the Flying Monkeys.  
  
"Couldn't have gone better!" Dib said with a smile on his face as they began to walk toward home.   
  
"Why's that? No runs in your stockings?" Gaz giggled to herself.  
  
"You know what Gaz, you're lucky you're a girl or I'd..."  
  
"Get beat even worse because I would be that much stronger for being a guy?" Gaz interrupted with a smile on her face.  
  
"..... yes." Dib whimpered as the two kept walking. "But anyway, once we get home, I'll be able to show you my greatest new technological achievement of all time which will save the world and destroy Zim."  
  
"You'll see Gir," Zim said as he arrived home from skool and walked over to his secret trash can entrance to his lab. "once we get home to Irk, I'll be able to show you some of the greatest new technological achieve... Gir?"  
  
"Yeeeesss?" Gir asked.  
  
"Why are you eating your hand?"  
  
"I'm all bready." Zim looked at his robotic slave and noticed that Gir was in fact 'all bready'. Gir gave himself a big hug and kept chewing on his right hand.  
  
"Hmmmm... This must be because of that rampant toast you ate this morning." Zim examined the small robot and poked at him with one of his large spider-like legs that popped out of his metallic backpack. Gir giggled as the leg kept poking at him until one poke knocked out one of his eyes. "Thats no good."  
  
"I'm Sammy Davis Jr.! WEEEEEEE!" Gir began to frolic around the living room as Zim took out a smal computerized notepad.  
  
"Note to self, discover what is a 'Sammy..... Davis..... Jr.'" Zim pressed a button on the notepad and it zipped back into his backpack. "Gir?"  
  
"I'm wheat bread!"  
  
"GIR!!!" Zim yelled at the top of his lungs as the small robot stopped in its tracks with its bread eyes now glaring red.  
  
"Yes my master?" Gir asked as he saluted Zim.  
  
"Get down into the lab and remodulize yourself back to your old form using one of my many inventions. I will need you for what is coming ahead."  
  
"Yes MY MASTER!" Gir quickly ran over to the trash can entrance with Zim following slowly behind.   
  
"Truly of all the robots in the universe, I must be fated to be with the only robot in all of creation to have the stupidity to turn itself into bread." Zim sighed to himself and slowly went down the entrance. As he entered his lab, a look of fear fell upon Zim as he looked up at a small creature standing next to his computer. "THE MONKEY!?"  
  
"I'm the scary monkey!" the monkey said as it began to run around the lab.  
  
"The monkey? HERE? NOW? I was not prepared! I thought surely he would try to make an attack upon my person one day, but never this soon. Well, my preparations for your arrival may not be done yet Mr. Scary Monkey, but these will have to do!" As Zim said this, two huge weapons blasted out of the top of his backpack. Zim grabbed the double edged blade looking weapon in one hand, and the large shotgun looking weapon in the other. As he caught them, a small computerized motion detector came out of his backpack and placed itself over his right eye. "Let's dance monkey!"  
  
"I'm not a monkey, It's me!" The small robot took off the scary monkey disguise, revealing his now back to normal non bread like state. "I'm Gir."  
  
"..... Of course you are, of course you are." Zim said as he frantically shook, paralyzed in fear of the thought of the actual scary monkey being in his lab. "I was just testing you. Thats it, testing you. To see what would happen if the true monkey came into my lab."  
  
"Oh... ok!"  
  
As all of the weapons and the motion detector slipped back into his backpack, the small notepad came out and Zim once again opened it up. "Note to self, look into nuclear capability defense systems and weapons in case of...*gulp*... monkey attacks."  
  
"This stupid monkey keeps attacking me!" Gaz said as she began to bang the game harder and harder with her fingers. Dib was in the corner finally taking off Gaz's clothes and was able to find some of his own clothes in the wash.  
  
"Nevermind the game Gaz, you have to see my newest creation."  
  
"I'll give you five minutes."  
  
"More than enough time." Dib quickly went into his now torn apart closet because of the alarm robot attack and looked to find a dusty box. He wiped the dust off the top of the box and quickly opened it. "Ah, its still here."  
  
"What is it?" Gaz wondered as she tried to get a peak at whatever Dib was holding.  
  
"Wait there as I make a few alterations to this." Gaz stepped away from the closet as she continued to play her game. The house began to shake with the noises of buzzsaws, hammers, and strangely, Canadian geese.   
  
"Hurry up already, I'm running out of batteries!"   
  
"One more letter there and.. I'm DONE!" Dib quickly ran out of the closet slammed the door behind him and stood in front of Gaz.  
  
"So... what is it?" Gaz said as she actually started to become interested in her brother's latest creation.   
  
"As I've said, this creation will be the savior of the human race, BEHOLD!" Dib finally held up his creation in his hands. It was an old Sprout costume, loyal sidekick to the Green Giant, with television antennae stapled to the head. Paint was messily slopped onto the costume to make the hands seem like black gloves and boots for feet, with the rest of it being red. The eyes had swim goggles strapped to them which also gave off the appearance of red. On the chest, in big black letters read 'Don't mind me, I'm an Irken Invader. Just like you.'  
  
"...... I can't even find the words."  
  
"Great isn't it? Granted it was an old costume from awhile back, but now I'll be able to infiltrate Irk with little to no one suspecting my true intentions. But wait thats not all!"  
  
"Uggg." Gaz sighed as she awaited her brother's next horrible creation.  
  
"Here's the coupe de grat!" Dib wheeled out a large trash can which in big black letters read 'Don't mind me, I'm a robot with the Irken Invader who is not, REPEAT, NOT a human being from the planet earth named Dib.' "I call him Dir, the D stands for Dib."  
  
"Before this day I thought even your stupidity had a fallout point, but now, you have proved me wrong. I'll be in my room." Gaz walked out of her brother's room and clomped her way down the hall.  
  
"JEALOUS!" Dib yelled as he wheeled his trusty 'robot' back into the closet. "Everything's ready, all I must do now is find out when Zim is going back to Irk and he's as good as mine! MUUHAHAHAHAHAHA!"  
  
"Green Giant! Bum bum bum!" A mysterious voice cried out to interrupt Dib's laughter.  
  
"Where'd that come from?"  
  
"Now all we must do Gir is contact the tallest and confirm our plans."  
  
"Plans backwards is Snalp!" Gir said with glee as he began to roll his body across the floor of the lab.  
  
"Yes it is Gir..... yes it is." As Zim said this, he punched a variety of numbers into his computer and the two Tallest appeared on the screen, lounging next to an Irken Beach.  
  
"So the doctor says, 'Rectum, DARN NEAR KILLED HIM! HAHAHAHA!"  
  
"HAHAHAHAHA! Oh! ZIM!" The two tallest quickly got out of their reclining beach chairs and looked into the screen. "Are you reporting to tell us that you've gotten a horrible virus?"  
  
"No."  
  
"A severe injury?"  
  
"No."  
  
"You're a ghost now?" As the red tallest said this, the purple tallest crossed his fingers.  
  
"NO! I'm simply reporting back to tell you that in the morning I will be travelling by ship back to Irk."  
  
"Thats not necessary Zim, we'll simply teleport you over here."  
  
"You can teleport people now? Why didn't you just do that with me to earth?" Zim asked.  
  
"Well simply put we just wanted to ghhfgjghto." The red tallest mumbled away from the screen.  
  
"What was that? You trailed off there." Zim said as he banged his fist against the screen, thinking it as bad reception.  
  
"Never you mind Zim, now stand in this exact spot in the mor-nin-g and we will teleport you back to Irk."  
  
"Very well my tallest. Invader Zim out." The screen went to black as the two tallest looked at one another.  
  
"So anyway, then Johnny pulled out this huge chainsaw and I was like 'WHOA JOHNNY! WHOA!'" The purple eyed tallest said as he reclined back into his chair.  
  
"Classic." The red tallest replied as he sipped on his fine Irken drink.  
  
"You hear that world, Zim is going HOME!" Zim yelled as he cackled into the night.  
  
"Thats right Zim," Dib exclaimed as he sat outside of Zim's lab window with an earpiece to the surface. "you're going home. However, you're going to have some guests along the way, right Dir?"  
  
"........"  
  
"RIGHT DIR?"  
  
"........"  
  
"Oh right, you can't talk, silly me. HAHAHAHAHAHA!"  
  
"GREEN GIANT! BUM BUM BUM!"  
  
End Chapter 2  
  
Well that was fun wasn't it kiddies? Will Zim make it home? Will Dib and Dir follow along for the ride? Has the monkey secretly been plotting against Zim since the day he set his foot on earth? Has Gir really been changed back from his bready form or has he just been changed to a more non...bready....thing? Who keeps yelling out Green Giant? All of these and more will be revealed..... Ok maybe like 3.... ok 2..... all right NONE OF THEM WILL BE REVEALED NEXT CHAPTER! YOU HAPPY? HUH? HUH? Anyway, stay tuned and review. Thanx. Peace.   
  



	3. Zim Doesn't Swing That Way

Hello and welcome to Fic Phone, at the beep please hit the number of the fic you want to read.  
*Caller hits a number*  
You have selected.... INVADER DIB.....rated....PG. If this is correct, please hit one.  
"Hey thats not what I wanted!" *Caller hits a different number*  
Thank you for your confirmation of......INVADER DIB! Invader Zim is owned by Jhonen Vasquez and the writer of this fic is not trying to make money off the property because if he were....... HE WOULD BE ROLLING IN IT!  
"For the Love of...." *Caller hits all the numbers to try to cancel*  
On top of this fic, you have selected....... INVADER NUDE......rated.....XXX. Thank you and have a nice day.   
"WAIT NO!" *Caller starts to cry as he hears the phoneline go dead.* "My mom's gonna kill me."  
  
Enjoy!  
  
Chapter 3: Zim doesn't swing that way  
  
Dib sat next to the window of Zim's lab after hearing the conversation between him and his masters. Dib looked up into the stars as he began to question and wonder.... questions.  
  
"I wonder what it's like on Irk. I'm sure everyone on that planet is bloodthirsty, dangerous, and ready to do anything just to destroy their enemies. Just like in Pittsburgh.....just like in Pittsburgh." As Dib said this he began to shake in fear at the thought that another place in the universe could be equally as horrible as *gulp* Pittsburgh. He quickly snapped himself back to his senses as he began to think about what he should do before he made the hazardous journey. "Dir, I'm going back home to make some final preparations."  
  
"........"  
  
"Why do I keep forgetting that you can't talk? You're an inanimate object. I mean I must be some kind of idiot or something." Dib turned around from the inanimate, poorly made 'robot'.  
  
"You got that straight." The trashcan said as Dib quickly spun around in suprise.  
  
"OH MY GOD, YOU CAN TALK!!"  
  
"........No?"  
  
"Oh....ok." Dib walked away from the trashcan, content on the fact that the trashcan said that it could not talk.  
  
"*Phew*"  
  
Dib ran across the various lawns from Zim's house to find the quickest way home. As he arrived back in front of his house, his heart grew heavy over the fact that he would have to leave his family for an unknown amount of time. He took one last big breath of air for confidence and opened the door to his house, walking over the threshold. He turned to his right to see Gaz watching television in the living room. He decided that she would be the first one to hear his heart felt good bye.  
  
"Gaz?" Dib said as the tears began to well in his eyes.  
  
"......" Gaz looked up from the television to her brother with a angry look on her face. "We've had this discussion before Dib. Gaz watching television means less time for Gaz beating up Dib. So wait for the commercial."  
  
"But Gaaaaz." Dib replied in a whiny voice.  
  
"COMMERCIAL!" Gaz yelled at the top of her lungs, eyes bulging out of their sockets, which sent her brother spiralling out of the room. Gaz raised the volume of the television as she listened quietly to the television show in progress.  
  
"What's that Lassie?" A dirty farmer asked his famous dog on the screen.  
  
"BARK!"  
  
"It's Timmy isn't it?"  
  
"BARK!"  
  
"He's fallen down the well?"  
  
"BARK!"  
  
"......you pushed him in didn't you?"  
  
"BARK!"  
  
"We'll return to E! True Hollywood Story- 'Lassie: I killed because it made me feel pretty' after this commercial break." As the show broke to a commercial, Gaz hit the mute button on the remote and walked over to her brother, sprawled over the sofa.  
  
"Proceed."  
  
Dib held his sister in his arms for about a second or two after getting up from the sofa. "Gaz, I'm going to be gone for who knows how long and I just wanted to take this opprotunity to say that I love you and if I don't come back, remember me for all the great things in my life. Remember this Gaz, you're my favorite sister."  
  
"Very heartfelt speech Dib, but I am you're only sister after all."  
  
"Yeah sure thats what the first one said."  
  
"What?"  
  
"Nothing!" Dib looked around suspectfully as to hope Gaz wouln't catch his meaning. "Please do me this favor before I go Gaz, if I die on Zim's home planet, I want you to have a great funeral for me. On my tombstone I want it to read 'Here lies Dib.... he knew Kung-Fu.'"  
  
Gaz sighed as she rolled her eyes. "Dib, even in the one in a million chance that you were to die on this make believe planet, I wouldn't care because television and video games has made me emotionally deprived and sterile when it comes to feelings."  
  
"Really?"  
  
"IIIIIIIIt's TRUE!" the television replied.  
  
"Did you just talk?" Dib asked as he looked in horror at the television.  
  
"......No?"  
  
"Good and keep it that way." Dib gave one last hug to his sister and walked down into the basement where his father was working on yet another project. Dib looked at his father as he connected a bunch of loosed wires and doo dads.... theres another one of those words like knick-knacks. Why do I keep saying these things? Oh no, maybe I should see a psychiatrist! MAYBE I'M CRAZY! I CAN'T BREATH! I CAN'T BREATH!.... Anyway, Dib watched his father.... do stuff.  
  
"Dad?"  
  
"Son, as you can see I'm in a veryimportantstage of the procedure right now and yousittingdown would be the right thing to do in this situation." His father said in a very sporatic manner as he pointed to the nearest stool. Dib climbed up the stool and as he climbed he accidently hit a red button that was placed next to the table closest to him.  
  
"DIB! YOU HIT THE BUTTON!" Dib's father said as he held his hands up to his head.  
  
"I'm sorry, is that bad."  
  
"......Nooooooo." Dib smiled and looked away, as his father rolled down a map of the world and scratched out Mexico. "So anyway son, what did you want to talk to me about?"  
  
"Well..." Dib said as he looked down at the floor. "I'm going to be leaving for awhile, maybe forever and I just wanted to take this opprotunity to say that I love you....and can I borrow the inflatable house?"  
  
"I love you too son and of course you can." The professor handed his son a small pill labeled 'house' and gave him a big hug. After the hug, Dib walked away with tears in his eyes.  
  
"Oh and Dib, one more thing." He said as Dib turned around. "What do you say if the police ask you what happened to mommmy?"  
  
"Mommy was dead when Daddy got there." Dib said in his most childish voice.  
  
"Thattaboy, have fun."  
  
"HAVE FUN?" Zim yelled at his small robot who was dancing across the floor. "Have you gone mad Gir?"  
  
"Noooo, its a going away party and we're gonna have fun. This is our last night on Earth!" Gir began to dance even faster.  
  
"How do we have this....fun? Is it to be conquered?" Zim asked with a ruthless grin.  
  
"No silly, we have fun with.... THESE!" Gir pulled two baby pot bellied pigs out of his stomach compartment.   
  
".....I'm going to bed Gir." Zim walked into the bedroom of his house as he shook his head.  
  
Gir watched his master walking away and a smile grew across his metal face. "Just the three of us then, piggies! WHEEEEEEE!"  
  
Hours passed as Zim, Gir, and the two pot bellied pigs, who shall remain nameless for copyrighting enfringement purposes, were sound asleep. Zim, who had forgot to set his alarm clock the night before, did not awaken once the earth's sun arose over the horizon.  
  
"This is it Dir, here's our chance. By my calculations, all we have to do is hold onto Zim for our dear lives in 4 minutes and 32 seconds and we'll be on Irk. This is the moment when EARTH....STRIKES....BACK!" Dib yelled his right hand in the air. In the distance, you could hear Gaz let out a sigh at yet another of Dib's numerous movie references. "Ok, we'll have to do this very carefully and in the most stealthy means possible, so of course....you'll go first. ALLEZ OOP!"  
  
Dib swung the horribly disguised trashcan through Zim's window making one of the loudest noises humanely possible. The glass from Dir's entrance shattered onto Zim's bed and awoke a now screaming Zim. Dir banged against the nearby Gir and slammed him into the wall. After seeing Dir's horrible display, Dib leaped through the window and accidentaly landed on top of the screaming Zim.  
  
"AAAAAA! STINK BEAST! YOU'RE TRYING TO DO UNCLEAN THINGS TO ME!" Zim began to wrestle around frantically, trying to get the young boy off of him.   
  
"WHOA ZIM! I DON'T SWING THAT WAY, AND EVEN IF I DID, THERE'S NOTHING WRONG WITH THAT!"  
  
"Of course not." Zim replied.  
  
"Of course not." Dib answered.  
  
"......."  
  
"......."  
  
Before either of the horribly embarrassed foes could say anything, a beam of light hit them and they were gone.   
  
End of Chapter 3  
  
Ooooo, great show, great show! Will Zim make it to Irk? Will Dib be able to hang onto Zim for dear life, despite his style of "swinging"? Will Dib's father actually be called by his own name or will the author stupidly forget what his name is as he did in this chapter? Will bell bottoms become the latest fashion trend? Find out this and many more, in Chapter 4: Irk smells like........pants. Peace. 


	4. Irk Smells Like......Pants

The following preview is rated Pg and has been rated as such by the American Motion Picture Society. The reason why we have ratings, I'll never know....  
  
GET READY FOR THE FEEL GOOD FILM OF THE SUMMER!  
"I'm gonna get you Zim."   
The camera does a close shot on Dib's face.  
  
WATCH THE BETRAYAL  
"HOW COULD YOU TAKE THE PANTS?"  
"I did it for you can't you understand that? NOBODY LOVES ME!"  
  
WATCH THE SUPRISES  
"And the father is....."  
Zim, Dib and Gir look around nervously as they stand next to Gaz who's pregnant and laying in a hospital bed.  
  
WATCH THE DOWNRIGHT HORROR OF LIFE  
"....Invader Zim is owned by Jhonen Vasquez and the author is not doing anything Toooo bad with the character so..... ASTEROID! AAAAAA!"  
Asteroid smashes into earth.  
  
WATCH THE COMEDY  
"My baby is dead and I couldn't do anything to save her."  
"I'm so sorry I tried everything I could to save him.... Did I say him? I meant her! HAHAHAHA! What a mistake on my part eh? HAHAHAHAHA But anyway sorry about the malpractice and everything."  
  
THIS SUMMER, PULL.....UP.....YOUR....KHAKIS!  
  
Ok time out, honestly enjoy Invader Dib. Here ya go. Watch the comedy, jeez what was I thinking?  
  
Chapter 4: Irk smells like.....Pants!  
  
Dib and Zim slammed into the barren ground of the world known as Irk. The young boy who was laying on top of an unconscious Zim, noticed that both Dir and Gir were attached to his leg. He quickly released their grip and began to look at the surrounding area.   
  
"Good God." Dib exclaimed as he looked at the large red buildings and numerous amounts of cold technological environments. "It's like being trapped inside Andy Dick's head. Better put on my disguise before anyone is able to notice I'm different."  
  
Putting on the horrible Invader disguise, Dib picked up his trashcan slave and wheeled it past Zim's body.  
  
"Where....do...you.....think...you're going?" Zim said as he grabbed onto Dib's leg with a kung fu grip worthy of a Gi-Joe action figure.  
  
"A kung fu grip? But I'm the one who's supposed to know kuuunggg fuuu." Dib cried in a whiny voice with a pouty look on his face.  
  
"You would dare to do this to me? ON MY OWN WORLD! INEXCUSABLE! INEXCUSABLE!" Zim let go of Dib's foot, sprang to his feet and pulled out a huge cannon shaped weapon. "I don't know why I didn't bother to do this to you before."  
  
"Because if you had the plot of the show would be fairly dull."  
  
"Show?"  
  
"Don't worry about it."  
  
"Anyway, NOW YOU DIE BY AN IRKEN'S HANDS!"  
  
"Wait Zim! Put down the gun! I mean you don't want to blast me right? You want to fall in love with me or my sister!" Dib yelled out as an astonished Zim lowered his gun.  
  
"WHAT? Why would I want to fall in love with a human filthbeast?"  
  
"Because that's what they want you to do!" Dib said as he pointed in Zim's opposite direction.  
  
"They?" Zim quickly spun around. "I don't see any....." As he turned back, he looked at an empty space where Dib used to be. "DIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIBBBBBBBBBBBBBBB!"  
  
"Lozenge?" Gir asked as he held out a fresh pack of mints.   
  
"..... Come on Gir, tonight, we're eating Soylent green!"  
  
"AAAAAA! SOYLENT GREEN IS PEOPLE! ITS PEOPLE!" Gir cried out as he began to run around frantically in circles.  
  
"Exactly." Zim said as he began to lick the place where his....lips....would...be.... I guess. "Wait, we don't eat people, nevermind Gir, lets just find Dib."  
  
"All righty."  
  
"All righty Dir," Dib said as he ran as fast as he could with Dir in his arms. "We've made it and you know what that means don't you?"  
  
"........"  
  
"That's right Dir, chicken is better than toothpaste but we have to..." Before Dir could finish his sentence, he slammed into something rather large and flew backwards a couple feet. As he slowly started to regain his brain cells, he looked up to see two figures standing over him.   
  
"And what do we have here?" Asked the purple tallest as he leaned over the disguised Dib.  
  
"I don't know my friend, what do we have here?" The red tallest followed suit.  
  
"I'LL TELL YOU!" Zim said as he ran over to the three of them.  
  
"Oh no, he'll blow my cover."   
  
"You know who this is Zim?" the purple asked.  
  
"YES! He's a human who followed me here!"   
  
"Hmmmmmm, CONFERENCE!" The two tallest formed a huddle and whispered to one another.  
  
"Get ready to die Dib, the citizens of Irk are not as stupid as you disgusting humans." As Zim said this, Dib began to shake as he thought that Zim may be right.  
  
"We have made a decision and that decision is..."  
  
"THE GARBAGE CAN MADE ME DO IT! TAKE HIM! TAKE HIIIM! I WANNA LIVE!" Dib held up his trashcan comrade as an offering for his own life.  
  
"....Despite that outburst, we have made the decision that Zim......is WRONG!"  
  
"WHAAAATTTT?" Zim said as a smile grew across Dib's face. "But look at him, its a horrible costume! HE DOESN'T EVEN LOOK LIKE US!"  
  
"That's where you are wrong Zim, to the untrained eye and lesser minded as yourself that may be the case. However, because of our unsurpassed intellect, we have noticed the one thing that would make him Irken and not an Earthling."  
  
"AND THAT WOULD BEEEEE?" Zim asked as veins began to throb out of his head.  
  
"As you can see, his shirt clearly states otherwise." The purple tallest said as he pointed to sloppy black letters written on Dib's costume.  
  
"OH FOR IRK'S SAKE!"  
  
"Quiet Zim as we welcome this new Invader, welcome to Irk Invader...." The red tallest examined Dib's shirt for a second then looked back up. "Invader Imnotanearthling."  
  
"Thank you and I'm sure I will be a great invator." Dib said as he shook the two tallest's hands.  
  
"Invader you mean?" The purple tallest asked.  
  
"That's the one."  
  
Zim shook his head as the two tallest welcomed Dib into their race, stupidly thinking he was an Irken. "Tallest! Please! Listen to reason!"  
  
"Silence Zim! Or are you denying the shirt now? You do know what happens to Irkens who deny the shirt don't you." As the red tallest said this, Zim remembered seeing a public stoning of those Irkens foolish enough to 'deny the shirt'.  
  
"Yes ma'am."  
  
"Sir..."  
  
"What?"  
  
"I'm not a ma'am."  
  
".....YOU'RE MEN?" Zim said as the realization hit him like a brick.  
  
"For Irk's sake Zim, you thought we were women?"  
  
"Ummmmmm No?" Covering his tracks, Zim watched as Dib walked away out of sight.  
  
"Good. Now report to Invader Academy in 32 problians and take your report classes there."  
  
"You mean hours?"  
  
"What'd I say? Problians? Jeez I'm drunker than I thought."  
  
Zim sighed as he walked away from his two leaders. "One question before I go tallest. How was it that you were able to teleport me here even though I wasn't standing where you told me to? And why were you able to teleport almost four different things at once? Also, why must I go to school to simply give my report? Can't I just do it now?"  
  
"Those are all very good questions Zim and I can answer it for you in one word: ghgoijsaj."  
  
"What?" Zim asked. "What does that mean?"  
  
"Never mind Zim, now go back to your place of living and prepare for your report." Zim threw his hands up into the air and stomped away.  
  
".....I don't come off as womanly do I?"  
  
"Nooo..." said the red tallest to his comrade. "You come off as Womynly."  
  
"Oh Red, you are the living end!"  
  
"Aren't I though? Aren't I?"   
  
"Aren't I Dir, Aren't I?" Dib said as he looked at a large open space between two large Irken buildings. "Aren't I just the smartest?"  
  
".........."  
  
"I can tell from your silence that you concur." Dib said a smile across his face as the garbage can sighed to itself. "Once I swallow this capsule, we'll have a house we can live in during our stay on this horrible planet."  
  
"Are you sure it works that way?" The garbage can replied.   
  
"Two things Dir: First off, you don't talk. Second, I don't like that sassy tone from anyone, even you. So just be quiet and let me do my thing."  
  
"Here comes trouble." The trashcan muttered to itself as Dib swallowed the pill.   
  
"You see, now all we have to do is sit here and we'll have a house.... right after my next bowel movement."  
  
"BOWELMOVEMENT!" Gir said for absolutely no reason as he trailed behind Zim.  
  
"Quiet Gir, we have no time for anything other than the mission at hand at this point."  
  
"The apprehension of the renegade known as Dib?" Gir asked as his eyes glowed red.  
  
"I wish. No Gir, we have to face..... my mother." Zim shook in fear as the robot's eyes turned back to blue.  
  
"But Mothers give you milk from their..."  
  
"GIR THE RATING OF THIS STORY IS PG! DO NOT FORGET THAT!"  
  
"I was just saying mothers give you milk from the frigarator and that makes them special. Jeez."  
  
"Oh.... very well then." Zim looked up to see his house and slowly walked through the door. Looking from side to side, he finally saw his mother in the kitchen. In the kitchen stood a quite tall green Irken with long antennae and the same clothes as Zim wore, except with a skirt instead of pants.  
  
"ZIM! YOU'RE HOME!"   
  
"Yes mother I'm home. Mother?"  
  
"Yes Zim?"  
  
"Why are you behind this cardboard cut out?" Zim brought down the cardboard cut out of the tall green woman revealing a long metallic arm.  
  
"I thought it spruced things up a bit." Said Zim's metallic birthing arm mother.   
  
"Sure mother. I'm back here to report my findings on earth and I was wondering if I could stay here as I waited."  
  
"Of course you can son, what kind of birthing arm would I be if I didn't. You're room is right over there waiting for you." The birthing arm pointed to a very small capsule with green liquid floating around inside of it. Zim sighed as he climbed his way into the capsule and closed his eyes, tired from the day's excursions.  
  
"You think this is over don't you Dib? Well this is only the beginning! You'll fall before my mighty....might. MUUHHAAHAHAHA! Hey what smells like pants?"  
  
"Irk!" The writer said as he callously tried to put the name of the title into the story, completely disregarding all aspects of character/author interaction.  
  
End Chapter 4  
  
STUPENDOUS! What will Zim's school be like? Has Dib created the house yet or does he need to eat something with fiber to make the process go faster? Does the tallest look womanly or womynly with a "y" according to women's lib *Blame my girlfriend for that one, she thought it was funny.* FIND OUT AS WE SEE.....WHO....IS....THE....FATHER! Or Chapter 5: Invader "Skool" Peace. 


	5. Invader Skool

No intro this time kiddies, the story speaks for itself.   
  
"Can we get on with the story now or are you just gonna keep flaunting it?" The whole cast of Invader Dib asks as they tap their feet. "Don't you have to mention how Jhonen Vasquez owns us body and soul?"  
  
Nope, you just did it for me. Enjoy.  
  
Chapter 5: Invader "Skool"  
  
"WHEW!" Dib said as he walked away from the open lot where his house was now standing. "DOOO NOT..... GO IN THERE! WHEW!"  
  
Dib fanned the stink of the house's "ejection" from the surrounding area and rolled Dir right in front of the house. "Look at it Dir isn't it....dare I say.... breathtaking."  
  
If the trashcan did in fact have eyes, he would have seen a horribly disfigured version of what a house would look like. The inflatable house only had 3 walls, making it triangular in shape. There were no windows and no doors for that matter. A terribly deformed chimney stuck out of the top, which seemed to curve downwards, not upwards as normal chimneys do.   
  
"Well Dir, from what I overheard of two "tallest's" conversation with Zim, this....In-va-tor....S-ek-oou-l should start in approximately 25 minutes. Luckily I was able to put a homing device on Zim that I had snagged from Nude Alien Poser Pent....." Dib stopped in his tracks out of embarresment in front of his trashcan companion. "I....I.... read it for the articles!"  
  
"*snicker*"  
  
"OH SHUT UP DIR!" Dib said as he kicked the inanimate object which wasn't supposed to talk. "We don't have time for your callous insults right now, we have to follow ZIM!"  
  
"*snicker*"  
  
"ZIM!" The metallic robotic birthing arm yelled as it poked at Zim's birthing tube/room. "It's time to wake up, you'll be late for your report school."  
  
"Very well mother." Zim rolled out of bed as he rubbed his eyes.  
  
"And Zim, please tell you're robotic slave that my fingers are NOT french fries!"  
  
"GIR!" Zim yelled as Gir spit out partially eaten metal fingers.  
  
"Yeeeessss?"  
  
"Have you been eating my mother's fingers again?"  
  
"I did it for the articles!"  
  
"WHAT DOES THAT MEAN GIR? WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?"  
  
".....means I like french fries, Duh!" Gir said as he chomped down on more 'french fries'.  
  
"You're vapid brain will have to be repaired some other time, you must accompany me to my classes now."  
  
"Oookkk!" Gir said in a sad voice as he tried to put a few of the fingers back onto the arm. The tiny robot jumped onto his master's back and the two were out the door. Zim was trying to enjoy his stay on his homeworld, and yet he had to be ever vigilent, for he had not come to Irk alone. Just as this thought came into his head, he turned to his side to see his most hated rival.  
  
"STINKBEAST!"  
  
"Please Zim, when we're on you're planet, it's Mister Stinkbeast." Dib said smiling.  
  
"You really are pathetic. Do you really believe that you can survive the horrors of Invader Skool?"  
  
"What horrors?" Dib asked as he rolled Dir behind him.  
  
"The horrors of.....horrible....horrifying....things that coincide with horror."  
  
"Oh I'm shaking already Zim." Dib said sarcastically as he kept walking next to his enemy. "But isn't it ironic Zim, that our roles are now switched. You are now the crazy alien obssesed child and I am the invader amongst you."  
  
"Yes that's right Dib," Zim said with a smile on his face as the two reached the front of the skool. "laugh while you can, just wait until Blortec."  
  
"Blortec?" Dib asked. "What the heck is a Blortec?"  
  
"Oh you'll see.... you'll all see MUHAHAHAHAHA!"  
  
"Zim?"  
  
"Yes Dib?"  
  
"There's only one of me."  
  
"So I see.... so i see." Dib shook his head and walked into the skool as Zim's notepad popped out of his backpack. "For future reference, there is only one of Dib."   
  
"STUDENTS!" The tall, but not so tall as to be taller than the tallest, Irken teacher said as everyone got into their seats. "We have a new invader that I wish you to wiggle your anntennae for, his name is Invader Imnotanearthling. Please come up to the front Invader."  
  
Dib nervously walked up to the front of the room with Dir still in tow, the children wiggling their anntenae around him. Zim laughed to himself awaiting Dib to make a mistake that would cost him dearly.   
  
"Hi." Dib said as he reached the front of the class. "My name is Ima...I'm an invader alcoholic."  
  
"Hiiiii Immmmaaaa." The whole class yelled out in unison save Zim.  
  
"LOOK EVERYONE!" Zim jumped out of his desk and pointed at Dir. "THATS NOT A ROBOT! IT CAN'T EVEN TALK!"  
  
Dib quickly thought up an explanation and a smile ran across his face, under the Lil Sprout costume of course.  
  
"GREEN GIA...."  
  
NO! We're finished with that! You're not in the story anymore, ALL RIGHT? Jeez, some people.... Anyway, Dib smiled.  
  
"Why, it doesn't need to. The... "Tallest"... thought me so important, they gave me a robot with telepathy." As Dib said this a piece of garbage fell out of the side of the trashcan in front of everyone's faces. ".......Telepathy."  
  
"Ooooooooo." The whole class said in unison as Zim slapped his hand against his head in disbelief and sat back down in his seat.  
  
"Anymore questions?" Dib said confidently as he leaned against the blackboard.  
  
"I GOT ONE!" A rather large Irken said as he stood up. "How many planets have you destroyed SHRIMP?"  
  
"Well," Dib said confidently yet again. "you see that planet up there?" Dib pointed up in the sky through the window.  
  
"No." The large, for Irken standards anyway, child said as he looked out the window.  
  
"Exactly."   
  
"Oooooooo." The whole class said in unison as a look of fear came on the large Irken child's face. He quickly sat down as to not incur the wrath of "Ima".  
  
"That's enough questions Invader Ima. Now please sit.... SWEET MERCIFUL IRK! WHERE'S YOUR BACKPACK?" The teacher cried out in horror as he pointed at the Dib's back, knowing it was impossible for any Irken to survive without one.   
  
Dib cursed himself as he had forgotten to add a metallic backpack to his costume. Zim smiled in the back of the class as Gir simply kept sleeping, still attached to his back. Dib looked at Zim smiling and threw a smile back. "Why.... didn't the tallest tell you?"  
  
"Tell me what?" The still horrified teacher asked.  
  
"This is the newest backpack of the Irken forces. Those who are truly worthy of the Irken empire are able to see the backpack in all it's glory. However, those who cannot, will be spurned forever."  
  
"Oh... OH THERE IT IS!" The teacher said as he pointed to Dib's empty back. "I must have missed it before. Silly me. Take your seat Invader."   
  
Dib took his seat as Zim knocked his head against the desk repeatedly, still not believing that his class couldn't differentiate a human in a sprout costume from an Irken.  
  
"Hehehehe." Dib laughed to himself. "The old 'Emperor's new clothes' trick. Works like a charm."  
  
"Very well, after that long introduction, you soon to be full fledged Invaders know what time it is."  
  
The whole class began to shake in fear at the thought of what time it was.  
  
"Huh?" Dib wondered. "What time is it?"  
  
"Oh you'll see stink beast." Zim said as he also shivered with fear trying to hold it down in front of his enemy.  
  
"Now invaders as you all know, this will strengthen you to the maximum. If you are able to come out of this without your soul being shattered, you will be truly ready to invade. I have now been able to take the horror after years upon years of constant mind training." Dib became very scared as the teacher kept talking and he looked at more and more of the Irken invaders shivering. "And now, if you are ready, experience 30 horrible seconds of.... BLORTEC! And may Irk have mercy on your souls."  
  
The teacher pulled down the projection screen, passed the now shivering Dib, and turned on the film.   
  
The film began to run and as the film ran and sounds began to come out, all of the Irkens, Zim included began to scream. A few of the Irkens eyes began to bleed with their ears following suit. The horror of Blortech was driving all of them to the edge of insanity and even caused one or two of the Invaders' heads to collapse. Everyone was affected..... that is everyone save Dib.  
  
"He is Blortech?" Dib said as he began to laugh and point at the screen. He pounded his fists against the desk and held his gut as he was afraid the laughter would cause him to get the hiccups. He rolled across the floor as everyone else in the class continued screaming.  
  
"GOOO GREASED LIGHNIN' GOOO GREASED LIGHTNIN'" After these phrases came out of the projection screen, the film stopped and the Invaders began to recooperate.   
  
"YOU'RE TELLING ME....HAHAHAHAHA....THAT.....HAHAHAHA...JOHN TRAVOLTA IS BLORTEC?" As Dib hysterically said this after watching the thirty seconds of Grease, the Invader, who was sitting next to him, felt his own head explode at the utterance of Blortec's true name.  
  
"BY THE DEPTHS OF IRK! YOU KNOW ITS REAL NAME?" The teacher cried out as janitor robots began to sweep up the corpses of two or three of the invaders and the massive amounts of blood that was spilled.  
  
"KNOW HIM? He was like the biggest influence of all time on musicals on the planet I'm fro... invaded."  
  
"You..yo-you-you-you were able to survive on the same planet as Blortech?" Dib knodded with a smile as everyone who was still alive in the class felt their jaws drop to the floor.  
  
"....... HOOORAAAAAYYYY!" The whole class yelled in unison as they lifted Dib above their shoulders, except of course for Zim.  
  
"TRULY THIS IS A GREAT DAY IN IRKEN HISTORY! TODAY IS THE DAY WE HAVE FOUND AN INVADER WHO HAS SURVIVED THE PRESENCE OF BLORTECH! LET IT BE KNOWN THAT A SAVIOR HAS ARRIVED AND HIS NAME IS IMA!" More cheers sprung forth from the class.  
  
"But I was on that planet to..." Zim said as his words were drowned out by the cheering invaders. Zim wiped the blood away from his nose due to Blortech, looked at it in his hand and made a fist. "Well played stink beast, but you can't keep this up forever."  
  
The end of the day came and Dib had become quite popular at the invader skool with Zim, of course, being the outcast. As Zim walked out of the school he noticed a large crowd of Irken girls huddled around for some reason.  
  
"What the...?" Zim asked as he went in to get a closer look.  
  
"So then Blortech makes this movie called Battlefield Earth..." Dib says in the middle of the crowd of girl invaders.  
  
"What did you do?" One of the girls asked.  
  
"What else?....." Dib allowed a moment of silence to go past to build the suspense. "I KICKED HIS ASS!"  
  
All the girls simultaneously sighed a love felt sigh as they all looked up at the popular Dib, whom all of the girls wanted to marry.   
  
"Oh Zim, there you are. Sorry I have to leave you like this ladies." The girls let out a groan as the object of their affection walked out of the crowd. "But here, take this to remember me by until tomorrow."  
  
Dib tore off a small piece of his costume and threw it into the crowd of girls. The crowd frantically began to maul and claw at one another, each vying for the small piece of cloth.  
  
"Hehehehe. Too bad I'm not Irken or I could get used to this, right Zim?"  
  
"......" Zim said nothing as he boiled with anger and all the veins in his head began to throb out.  
  
"Too jealous to speak eh? I don't blame you. See ya later....Zimmmy." Dib walked away from the boiling mad Zim. Zim looked up into the air clenched his fists and...  
  
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!"   
  
End Chapter 5  
  
Keep on Rollin'! What will the rest of Dib's stay on Irk be like? Will he score mad honeys? Will Zim go crazy of jealousy! Will Blortec EVER MAKE A GOOD MOVIE? I MEAN FOR GOD'S SAKE! I CAN'T BELIEVE *regains composure* Join us next time for.....   
  
Chapter 6: Irken P.E.: The P.E. stands for Public Execution.   
  
Peace. 


	6. Irken P.E.: The P.E. Stand for Public Ex...

"Oh my God, can anyone hear me? Oh wait, you people out there can hear me! Please, you have to call the police, this guy's crazy! He's gonna kill me. Every hour or so this psycho comes down and dips my foot in a tank of pirahnna. I only think the bone is left, its hard to feel anything else. Please call the police, I'm too pretty to die. The world has so much It can offer to me, like rodeo clowns and one night stands and...." *gets whacked in the back of the head with a sledge hammer*  
  
WHAT THE HELL DID I TELL YOU ABOUT CALLING FOR HELP! Granted that makes this that much more fun BUT THE FACT THAT YOU NEVER STOP DOING IT IS GETTING ON MY DAMN NERVES! *sigh* I'll just have to feed the wall a little earl... Oh hello. As you may know my name is Johnny C. Johnny to most, Nny to my friends. The author and I are very good friends so thats the reason I haven't killed him (yet anyway, could always use more beautiful memories.) and also the reason why I'm introducing the beginning of this chapter of Invader Dib.  
  
"Uuuggg...."  
  
Would you excuse me for a second? *walks out of the room where many naughty things can be heard happening. Comes back with blood all over himself.* Can you believe she actually touched me? THE NERVE! I HATE THAT! I SO *naughty word censored* HATE THAT! Anyway, I'm supposed to say that Invader Zim is property of Jhonen Vasquez and if the author were to do anything bad with the name..... Well I'd kill him myself, more blood for the wall anyway.  
  
"Oooooo...."  
  
Speaking of Jhonen, I have him tied up right here.  
  
"What? Where?"  
  
Oh do be quiet, I'm trying to have a conversation here and the fact that society as a whole thinks that they're more *insert naughty word here* important than other peoples' conversations makes me SO *naughty word numero tres* MAD THAT I JUST WANT TO.... JUST WANT TO.... well this *throws a rabid beaver down Jhonen's pants.*  
  
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAA!"  
  
Anyway enjoy, I know I will.....hehehehehe.  
  
Chapter 6: Irken P.E.: The P.E. stands for Public Execution  
  
"You know what I heard?" The young Ikrken girl said as she huddled around her friends.  
  
"What's that?"   
  
"I heard that Ima invaded 20 planets with his hands tied behind his back."  
  
"That's nothing!" Another girl said. "I heard that he destroyed 50 useless planets simply by looking at them."  
  
"YOU'RE ALL WRONG!" Zim said as he burst from behind a couple of the girls into the middle of the pack. "HE'S A HUMAN BEING WHO FOLLOWED ME FROM THE PLANET I WAS ON WHO IS IN A HORRIBLE DISGUISE!"   
  
The girls looked at Zim for a second then simply turned their backs to him.   
  
"You know what I heard?" Dib said as he walked past Zim in front of the now gawking Irken girls. "I heard that Ima is free on Saturday night and will go out with whichever girl is left standing. Now, FIGHT FOR MY LOVE!"  
  
As Dib said this, all of the Irken girls began to fist fight with one another. The deafining sound of the fighting could be heard all over Irk.   
  
"You think you can get away with this so easily?" Zim said as he turned away from the horrible display as Irken body parts started flying over his head.  
  
"Ohhhh no Zimmy, I could never get away with it, I mean you Irkens are sooooo smart." Dib said very sarcastically, arms crossed.  
  
"STOP CALLING ME ZIMMMY! ITS ZIIIIIMMMMM!" Zim said as even more body parts started pilling up behind him.   
  
"Of course, now if you would excuse me," Dib said as he walked past Zim, the girls still fighting brutally. "I have Invader Skool."  
  
Zim simply stood with a frown on his face, threw his hands up into the air, and followed behind Dib to skool.  
  
"Hello? Ima?" A lone girl crawled out of the huge mountain of Irken girl corpses. "I'm the winner. Does this mean you'll pick me up at 7?"  
  
"ITS SEVEN OCLOCK LADIES, AND YOU KNOW WHAT TIME THAT MEANS!" The Irken instructor said, whistle wrapped around his chest.  
  
"Thats a very strange statement you made," Dib pointed out as he stepped away from the rest of the Irkens, standing in horizontal lines. "considering the fact that a lot of the people in this class are ladies thereby making that insult not as deragatory as it would seem."  
  
Dib threw the Irken ladies a smile, many of whom were on crutches or bandaged to the point that you couldn't see any of their features. They gawked and then sighed as more and more of the veins on Zim's head began to throb.  
  
"OOOOHHHHH! WE GOT OURSELVES A BLOBEDIAN HERE!"  
  
"You mean a comedian?" Dib asked.  
  
"NO A BLOBEDIAN IS SOMEONE WHO STANDS ON A STAGE AND DOES PATHETIC JOKES FOR A DRUNKEN CROWD, A COMEDIAN IS A WINGED IRKEN CREATURE WHO COMES OUT OF THE SKY TO EAT AN IRKEN ONCE EVERY WEEK AND I DOUBT YOU ARE THAT, SHRIMPY!"  
  
"...... You don't have to yell." Dib said as his mask was practically pushed off his face from the force of the yelling P.E. instructor.  
  
"LISTEN UP! AS PART OF YOUR TRAINING, WE WILL NOW BE PLAYING DODGEBALL!"  
  
A smile crossed along Dib's face as he remembered having played dodgeball plenty of times in skool and being quite good at it.   
  
"INVADER E! IF YOU WOULD BE SO KIND AS TO COME UP TO ME SO I MAY DEMONSTRATE HOW TO PLAY THE GAME!" A rather tall invader stepped out of the crowd and walked in front of his teacher. "STAND OVER THERE E!"  
  
"Hehehe." Zim laughed to himself as Dib turned around curiously.  
  
"What's so funny Zimmy?" Dib asked curiously.  
  
"Oh you'll see stink beast, you'll see."  
  
As Invader E finally made it over to where he was supposed to, he made an 'ok' motion to his instructor as his instructor motioned back. "Now as we all know, the point of this game is to hit the opponent with the dodgeball."  
  
The instructor then took out a dagger, lit it on fire and threw it at the now screaming invader. The blade went through the invader's arm as Dib's jaw fell straight to the ground.  
  
"Now since I did not give E a fatal wound, I would be considered out. Remember, if you catch the blade in mid air, the thrower is considered out. If you are fatally hit and are suffering a horrible, horrible death, then you will be placed in the happy box." The instructor pointed over to a large box filled with many large rat-people. "E will demonstrate."  
  
As the invader tried to wrestle out of the instructor's grasp, he was thrown into the 'happy' box and the door was shut behind him. Dib started to shake as the invader's screams were instantly snuffed out.  
  
"Why....Why....Why would they call a flaming knife....A DODGEBALL?" Dib screamed.  
  
"Team captains will be Ima and Zim. Make your selections carefully and remember, the most important thing here is your mechanical legs so don't forget to equip them properly." Dib cringed as a big smile grew across Zim's face as every Irken in the room's mechanical legs sprung forth from their back.  
  
"Get ready to die Dib." Zim said as he began to pick his team. Dib followed suit, still shaking.   
  
"INVADER IMA! DEPLOY YOUR MECHANICAL LEGS!"  
  
"I....I don't need them." Dib said as everyone gasped except Zim.  
  
"Very well Ima, it's your helpop."  
  
"You mean funeral?"  
  
"A small Irken rabbit?" The instructor said with a confused look on his face.  
  
"Forget it."  
  
The two teams got on opposite sides of the room and began to move around, each with a flaming dagger in their hands.   
  
"This is how it ends Dib, this is how it ends." Zim said to himself.  
  
"BEGIN!" The instructor said as Zim threw the blade straight at Dib's head. Dib was luckily able to dodge as the blade missed him and rammed right through an invader behind him.  
  
"WHOOPS SORRY!" Dib said as he kept running around. "Rub some TUSSIN IN IT!" Somewhere in the universe, Chris Rock could be heard sighing.  
  
"RAARRRR!" Zim cried as numerous blades began to pop out of his mechanical legs. Zim rallied the rest of his team to do the same and all of them threw their knives straight at Dib.  
  
"Only one way out!" Dib cried as he grabbed his robotic trashcan, brought it over his head and threw it at the knives. The knives all stuck into it's side and flung Dir in the opposite direction.   
  
"I'llll geeetttt youuuu for this DIIIIIBBBBB!" The trashcan cried as it crashed against the back wall. Dib quickly duck and rolled trying to evade the numerous blades and fell upon a downed Irken. A flaming blade was sticking out of his stomach.  
  
"Ima?" The Irken asked softly.  
  
"Yeah, don't worry I'll fix you up." Dib quickly brought out the blade and threw it to the side. "You're gonna be fine... You're gonna be fine."  
  
"Thank you Ima. It was just two days before I retired, and I'm gonna get married in a week, and my dog just had puppies, and my goldfish just beat a horrible disease, and I'm going to Disneyworld, and I just won the lottery, and I'm having the greatest..." Before the invader could finish his sentence, a flaming blade flew right through his head and he fell to the ground.  
  
"NOOOOOO! GIVE ME A CHANCE! GIVE MEEEE AAAA CHAAAANNNCCCEEEE!" Dib cried out horribly ripping off a great scene from Saving Private Ryan. Just as Dib started to get angry he remembered something and a smile came upon his face.  
  
"Whats the matter DIB?" Zim asked. "TOO TOUGH FOR YOU?"  
  
"Oh this is nothing compared to..... LOOK WHO'S TALKING!" All of the Irken's suddenly fell to the ground and held their hands to their ears.   
  
"NOOOOO!" Zim cried out. "I WAS SO CLOSE!"  
  
"LOOKS WHO'S TALKING 2 and 3! FACE OFF! SWORDFISH! BATTLEFIELD EARTH! GREASE! SATURDAY NIGHT FEVER!" Dib kept yelling out all of the horrible John Travolta movies... well actually Face Off wasn't too bad.... as all of the Irkens mechanical legs popped back into their backpacks. Just as many of the Irkens thought their heads would explode, the bell rang.  
  
"Thank you God." Dib said as he walked out of the room. "Anymore John Travolta references and I thought MY head would explode."  
  
Zim finally got up to his feet as the instructor put many of the downed Invaders in the 'happy' box.  
  
"I'll find a way to defeat you Dib, it's only a matter of time."  
  
"I like clocks." said Gir as he seemingly popped out of nowhere.  
  
End of Chapter 6  
  
Well, I gave Nny the rest of the day off to get down to his 'business' so I can do the conclusion thank you very much. Will Zim create a perfect plan for destroying Dib/Ima? Will Dib ever get over the horror of Irken P.E.? Will I get sued by Spielberg for making that awful Private Ryan spoof? Will Nail Bunny ever help Johnny with his problems? Oops wrong story.  
  
Join me won't you for....  
  
Chapter 7: Double Date......OF DOOM DOOM DOOM DOOM *echoes*   
  
PEACE! 


	7. Double Date of DOOM DOOM DOOM *echoes*

How's it going? I hope you're ready for fun today cause that's all you'll get! GET READY FOR *phone rings*......FOR *rings some more*......Oh for the love of... Hello?  
  
Person on Phone: Is this a mister..... Scribe E?  
  
Why yes it is, who is this?  
  
Person on Phone: Yes, I'm from the offices of Bangkok and Smartey and we are representing the parties of Steven Spielberg, Jhonen Vasquez, and many other numerous creators.  
  
Oooook, what is this about exactly?  
  
Bangkok *what a horrible horrible joke, but it was too good to resist*: Well on behalf of our clients and by the powers vested in me....  
  
I'm getting married?  
  
Bangkok: NO! We're suing you.  
  
WHAAAAAAAAA? *alarm and surprise*  
  
Bangkok: Due to the number of complaints and rather horrible beating of one Mr Jhonen Vasquez by his own creation, we are afraid that we will be forced to bring up charges of copyright enfringement and deadly assault with a cartoon character.  
  
How much is this going to cost me?  
  
Bangkok: Lets just say that even if the whole country of Paraguay were to speak on your behalf, you'd still be screwed.  
  
Is Paraguay rich?  
  
Bangkok: Oh God Yes! You wouldn't believe how much money you can make harvesting midgets *note to all potential midgets in the audience, seeing as how that joke went a little below the belt, I give you free range to say 'harvesting Scribe E's Even Steven.*  
  
Very interesting.  
  
Bangkok: Yes well, if you would please give me your name and address we'll come over to charge you.  
  
Wait you don't know my name?  
  
Bangkok: Not as such no, so please give it to me so that I may prosecute you.  
  
Yes my name is.....*instantly hangs up the phone, runs outside his house, blows up the house, and drives away fast.*  
  
Great now I'm gonna be sued by Groening for that joke. Anyway, enjoy.  
  
Chapter 7: Double Date of DOOM DOOM DOOM DOOM *echoes*  
  
Dib walked across the red streets of Irk as all he wanted was to get back to his house and forget the horrible images of flaming knives flying at his face. However just as he was about to make one last block to his house...  
  
"Hi Ima." The Irken girl said with a big smile on her face.  
  
"Ummmm hi?"  
  
"Oh....my....IRK! He said hi to me...hehehehe" thought the Irken girl as she giggled to herself.  
  
"Look I'm sure you're very busy, what with your mental illness and all but.." Before Dib could finish his sentence or more importantly get past the girl, she grabbed both his arms.  
  
"Silly, I don't have a mental illness. heheheHHAAHAHAHA!" Dib cringed as he noticed that the girl was not letting him go.  
  
"Look DO I KNOW YOU?"  
  
"Of course you do Ima. I'm the winner of the battle royale, remember?"   
  
"Oh right....that." Dib sighed as he noticed she was squeezing him tighter as the seconds went by.  
  
"So since tomorrow's Saturday, we're going on a date like you said."  
  
"Please...YOU'RE KILLING ME!" Dib said as he deseperately tried to get out of the girl's grasp.  
  
"No I'm not!' She said as she began to squeeze him ever harder.  
  
"Maybe I should do this." Thought Dib as he felt a few of the bones in his rib cage start to snap. "It'll give me a chance to learn more about Irk as a culture and IT'LL HELP ME GET HER OFF!"  
  
"Sooooo?"   
  
"ALL RIGHT! JUST....DON'T HURT ME ANYMORE!" Dib cried as she let go of him as tears began to roll out of his eyes underneath his mask.  
  
"Great, pick me up at 8 in front of the school. By the way, I am Invader Devi in case you were wondering." She skipped away merrily as Dib was finally able to breath again.  
  
"What have I gotten myself into? Devi huh? Now why does that sound famili.."  
  
"UNTHINKABLE!" Zim cried out, interrupting another horrible lawsuit. As he looked through his listened in on the bug he planted on Dib, he could not believe that an Irken girl would really want to go out with such a creature.   
  
"I like Happy Noodle Boy!" Cried out Gir as he was running circles around Zim.  
  
"Silence Gir, I must use all my powers of.....thinkiness... to figure out a way to stop this from happening."  
  
"...... I like the doughboys too." Gir said quietly.  
  
"There must be a way that I can get visual contact on Dib without him noticing me in the process. But ho...?" Suddenly a light bulb appeared over Zim's head..... and crashed on it.  
  
"Light bulb go boom!"  
  
"AAAAAKKKK! WHERE ON IRK?" Zim stubbornly kicked away the pieces of the broken lightbulb.   
  
"From my belly!" Gir cried out as he opened up a slot in his belly which held thousands of light bulbs.  
  
"Giiiirrrrr?"   
  
"Yeeeesssss?"  
  
"What size dress are you?"  
  
"How do I look Dir?" Dib asked as he stood in front of the mirror, wearing a horribly painted on tuxedo, which was over his already horribly painted Invader uniform making it look even worse.  
  
"........."  
  
"Sharp as a tack, right? Don't I know it." Dib pushed his hair back, put his mask on, pushed the antennae on his mask back, and bolted out the door. As he was walking toward school, he made sure his breath was all right and so forth.  
  
"HIIII IMMAAAA!" Devi waved as Dib waved back hesitantly wondering what the heck he had gotten himself into here.   
  
"Hi Devi. So where are we going first?"  
  
"To my house, I've gotta put on more makeup or all the Irkens at the places won't respect me for who I am on the inside even though they shouldn't be because I'm a great person on the inside and...... I'M NOT CRAZY! I'M NOT!" Dib shook his head up and down nervously in fear of being hurt again. "Glad you agree. Come on, let's go."  
  
"Sooooo.." Dib said sitting in between Devi's parents. "What's it like being birthing arms?"  
  
"WHO ARE YOU SUPPOSED TO BE?" asked the birthing arm to Dib's right who was obviously the father, considering he had a beer in his hand.  
  
"Honey, this is Ima. Devi's new *wink wink* friend."  
  
"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU WINKING FOR? WHY IS SHE WINKING SHRIMPY?"  
  
"I couldn't tell you." Dib said nervously as the father arm poured beer into his socket, causing the joints and wires to short.  
  
"Thats the stuuuuuuuuufffffff." Said Devi's father who was obviously malfunctioning for stupidly pouring liquid into it's control circuit.  
  
"Oh he'll be out for hours. You know how it is. MEN!" The mother birthing arm said as she began to clean frantically.  
  
"Yeeeeaaaahhhhh riiiiiggghhhhttt." Dib began to twitch nervously as he wanted to get out of the house as quickly as possible to avoid any damage what so ever.  
  
"I'm ready." Dib stood up to see the Devi walk down with a long black dress on, makeup, and looking much better than she did before.  
  
"Wow." Dib said. "You look..."  
  
"BUUUUURRRRRPPPPPP!" Devi interrupted right in Dib's face, almost knocking his mask off from the sheer force of the belch. "Don't wait up."  
  
"Be back by a reasonable hour." cried out the mother birthing arm, cleaning even more frantically.  
  
"LAY OFF MY BACK!" Screamed out the disturbed girl invader as she dragged Dib out the door.  
  
"So, we're just going to go to a little restaurant and leave right?"  
  
"HECK NO! We're gonna do Irk baby! We're gonna paint it RED!" She screamed into Dib's face.  
  
"Uhhhh what did you have in mind?"  
  
"Well....."  
  
.....An Hour later   
  
Dib found himself in the middle of a huge mosh pit, being bounced around like a rag doll.  
  
"ISN'T THIS GREAT?" Yelled out Devi as she smashed an unfortunate Invader's face into the wall.  
  
"YEAH SURE!" Dib yelled back over the music, desperately trying not to be trampled.   
  
"I HOPE YOU ALL ARE READY!" Cried out the announcer as the moshing stopped and Dib caught his breath. "ONE ANTENNAE SWINGING NEXT TO THE OTHER MAKES A VERY NICE SOUND FOR.... THE HURRICANE LAMPS AND BLUE SHIFT!!!" *this is a plug for two bands my friends have so bare with me and.....buuuuyyyyy thhhheeeiiiirrrr ccccddddssss (subliminal message)*  
  
As the music began to play, Dib was able to dodge everyone long enough to catch glimpse of something. He noticed that everyone was taking out some kind of blaster.  
  
"What the?"   
  
"ULTIMATE MOSH!!!" As a random Irken yelled this, every Irken in the place began to blast one another. The screams were deafining and the amount of corpses that were piling up was staggering.   
  
"Dang..." Dib said as he ran out of the stadium with Devi in front of him. "Thats one heck of a band."   
  
....An Hour Later  
  
"So anyway, I just said 'ZIM! HUMANS DON'T EVEN EXIST! THEY'RE MADE UP TO SCARE SMALL KIDS LIKE YOU!" Both Dib and Devi laughed histerically at this.  
  
"By Irk Ima, is there nothing you can't do?"  
  
"Well I'm sure there are a.....few.....things...." Dib immediately dropped the drink he was holding as he saw Zim walk through the door of the restaurant *called a DORNFKEJD in Irken by the by* Zim saw Dib, quickly looked away, and walked straight past him. Gir was trailing behind, wearing a frilly red dress, pump shoes, and makeup horribly applied on his face. Both Zim and Gir sat in a table opposite to Ima and Devi and acted as if nothing was wrong. "OH FOR THE LOVE OF GOD ZIM!"  
  
"What?" Zim asked innocently.  
  
"THAT'S GIR!" Gir waved to Dib at the sound of his name.  
  
"NONESENSE! This is my date. Her name is.....Rig?"   
  
"Zim, just stop all right. Just stop. I mean come on, dressing up your robot as a girl? Thats pretty low standards wise. I'm dissappointed in you Zim."  
  
"I still have no idea.." Zim looked at Gir eating the lipstick. "what you're talking about."  
  
"Fine, enjoy you're 'date'." Dib took Devi's arm and walked out of the restaurant. Zim simply watched the two walk out and looked back at Gir.  
  
"THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT!" Zim screamed at Gir.  
  
"....I'm PRETTY!"   
  
"Look Devi, I'm sorry about that." Dib exclaimed as they had finally made it back to her house and were standing in the doorway.  
  
"Come on Ima, you couldn't have possibly known about that crazy kid in class and his weird fixation on robots."  
  
"Guess not." Both laughed a little and then looked at one another.  
  
"I had a great time tonight Ima."  
  
"Yeah, despite nearly getting my head blown off, I had a great time to."  
  
"Well good night." Devi leaned in.  
  
"Yeah, good night." Dib lifted up his mask, puckered his lips and..... got kicked square in the toolbag. "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!"  
  
"What's the matter?"  
  
"WHAT'S THE MATTER?" Dib cried out, holding his crotch. "YOU KICKED ME IN THE GROIN!"  
  
"Yeah I know, can you believe it? I've never gone to second base on a first date before. Consider yourself lucky."  
  
"Jeez, I guess...AK!....I should be...AAA!... thankful you didn't cut anything off."  
  
"Third base on a first date? You're a feisty one Ima. Maybe some other time. G'night." Devi skipped back into her house, blew Dib a kiss, and shut the door.   
  
"Yoouuu'rreeee myyy booyyyffrrriiieennndd!" Gir yelled out as he began to chase Zim around about a hundred feet from where Dib was keeled over in pain.  
  
"FOR IRK'S SAKE! STOP IT GIR! TAKE OFF THE DRESS!"  
  
"BUT IT MAKES ME FEEL PRETTY!"  
  
End Chapter 7  
  
Ooooo Snazzy! Will Zim ever get over dating a robot? Will Dib ever recover from Second Base? Is Gir Pretty? Find out in the next chapter of Invader Dib:  
  
Chapter 8: CRAM FOR THE EXAM 


	8. Sisters are doing it for themselves (or ...

This chapter will be introduced by none other than... Happy Noodle Boy? Oh God no.  
  
*noodle boy jumps out of trashcan*  
  
Noodle Boy: My pants are lactating with the milk of truth, filthy author of forebodingness.  
  
Oh jeez, I can't believe that I'm actually letting you introduce this chapter.  
  
Noodle Boy: By eating lots of vegetables, I find that eyebrows make a delicious vitamin substance.  
  
...........  
  
Noodle Boy: Your silence only proves my point that aliens from afar are controlling the white house. Steps must be taken to ensure that the cows remain safe! *Begins ripping apart plastic bags for no apparent reason and wraps them around his arms.*  
  
*begins to load a gun*  
  
Noodle Boy: Now that the flying machine is secure, the people of this planet will no longer need to walk using their hands! Utopia equals PORRIDGE!  
  
*loads gun faster*  
  
Noodle Boy: Jhonen Vasquez owns the world I'm from with an iron fist and that fist tastes remarkably like choclate whiskers!  
  
Look, are you gonna ever stop talking?  
  
Noodle Boy: Words come from my lips but they should be coming out of my ears, just like bats from the night sky of Jupiter. *places large cardboard flaps around his head.* EXCELSIOR!  
  
*shoots Noodle Boy*  
  
Noodle Boy: Chapters are a discrimination against the story as a whole, refrain from eating the toast of mankind and BREAK THE CYCLE! *dies*  
  
On a side note, I changed the name of the chapter because I had a funnier idea. So sue me.  
  
Dead Noodle Boy: I'm a ghost of many veils!  
  
Indeed you are.  
  
Chapter 8: Sisters are doing it for themselves! (or the DUEL!)  
  
Zim had had enough. He had lost his valor to the human when he was first introduced to his class. He had lost his leadership when the human evaded him during the game of dodgeball. Worst of all, he had lost his dignity when the human had made him take his robot out on a date. AND HE STILL HADN'T DONE HIS REPORT!  
  
"You want to come in for coffee?" Gir asked as Zim and him stood next to the door of their house.  
  
"SHUT UP GIR!" Zim yelled. He pushed Gir across the lawn, still in his frilly red dress.  
  
"What's love got to do with it?" Gir asked.  
  
"This has got to end. I cannot let the stink beast beat me at my own game. It's embarrasing." Zim fell down onto his chair, exhausted from the day's activities. He closed his eyes, still thinking of ways to destroy his mortal enemy.   
  
"Bad Day, hon?" His mother asked.  
  
"You wouldn't believe it if I told you. Mom, if you had a mortal enemy that wanted to destroy you and invade your world, what would you do?"  
  
"Well honey, I would have to unplug his battery."  
  
"..... Thanks mom." Zim said sarcastically. He opened up the door to his room and stepped into the green goo that surrounded it. Zim began to cry himself to sleep as Gir had walked back into the house.  
  
"Oh, Zim is sad." Gir said as he poked at the clear window to Zim's room.  
  
"Invaders cannot be sad Gir, I'm simply.... liquidating the excess of my ocular orbs."  
  
"Whatever." Gir walked away.  
  
".....That's it." A smile came across Zim's face as the thought of his enemy's demise was finally upon him. "Klorba! heheheheHAHAHAHA!"  
  
"IT HURTS!" Dib cried as he walked back into his house, still holding his aching crotch. "How long have I been rolling in pain in front of her house?"  
  
"........"  
  
"THREE DAYS? ..... That seems like a short amount of time for such a brutal hit." *no women will get this joke, every guy in the audience will*   
  
Dib took off his mask, hung it over a lamp, and slumped into his bed.  
  
"Wake me up in a year or so, Dir." Just as Dib brought the covers over his head, he heard the door bell ring. "...... WHHHYYY?"  
  
Dib walked down to the door, reached for the knob and flung open the door. "ZIM?"  
  
"Hello Dib, may I be allowed in?"  
  
"Like hell you will!" Dib cried out as he was about to shut the door. Zim placed his hand against the side of the door to keep it open.  
  
"Like hell I WILL. You will listen to what I have to say!"  
  
"Fine Zim, fine. But make it quick."  
  
"Oh it will be. Tell me Dib, have you ever heard of Klorba?"  
  
"No. What? Is that Irk's name for John Tesh or something? JOHN TESH JOHN TESH JOHN TESH!" Dib cried out hoping to get the same response he had by saying 'John Travolta'. Zim simply stood in front of Dib, rolling his eyes.  
  
"Please. Klorba is the ancient ceremony of the Irken culture. In this ceremony, two mortal enemies go through three events that test their wits and strengths and whoever comes out the winner may see fit to do whatever he wants with the loser."   
  
"Hmmmmm... It sounds tempting. I could be rid of you once and for all."  
  
"And Vice Versa." Zim smiled.  
  
"Very well Zim, I accept your challenge. After all, not much could be worse than a flaming knife game or a date with Devi."  
  
"Excellent. We will meet here tomorrow." Zim began to walk awat as Dib slowly closed the door. "Oh and Dib?"  
  
"Yes?"  
  
"Pray to whatever gods you hold dear, they won't be able to hear you tomorrow." Zim walked away as Dib sighed and went back to his room. He wrapped himself in his covers and slowly drifted off.  
  
The night went by with both Dib and Zim soundly sleeping, waiting for the next day to come and the opprotunity to finally rid themselves of one another. The sun arose over Irk and Dib slowly rolled out of his bed.  
  
"This is it Dir." Dib said to his trashcan companion. "Either Zim dies .... or I do!"   
  
"........."  
  
"I know Dir, I KNOW!" Dib began to say in a teary mood *cue Titanic music* "This may be our last day together. I will never let go Dir, NEVER LET GOOOOO!"  
  
"*sigh*"  
  
"Goodbye Dir." Dib walked out of the house and slammed the door behind him. Looking in front of him, Dib saw Zim standing in front of him, smirking.  
  
"Hello Dib, ready to die?"  
  
"Bring it on Irken." Dib said as both of them continued to stand in front of each other for a good ten minutes.  
  
".....Ummmm, you wanna start?" Zim asked.  
  
"Indeedy I do."   
  
Ten minutes Later.....  
  
"This is where we're having our duel to end all duels?" Dib asked.  
  
"Yes, it is the most holy of arenas in the Irken culture."  
  
"..... It's a bar Zim and a dirty one at that."   
  
"SILENCE! You wanna do this or not?" Zim pulled a small piece of paper out of his pocket and placed it in front of his face. "The first event is one which will test the powers of our minds and knowledge as a whole."  
  
"What is it?"  
  
Zim took out a large brown bottle and smashed the side of it against a table. "THE FIST FIGHT!"  
  
".....you're kidding."  
  
"What? You don't think this is a good event?"  
  
"Oh please this is such a ridiculous... HEY WHATS THAT OVER THERE?" Dib pointed to Zim's side and Zim quickly spun around. Dib, taking advantage of Zim's stupidity, kicked the bottle out of his hand and punched Zim.  
  
"AAAA! What do you call that."  
  
"Earthling fighting! Get used to it Zim, CAUSE YOU'RE GOING DOWN TO CHINATOWN!" Dib leaped up above Zim. Zim outstretched his leg annd used Dib's momentum to fling him across the room into the wall.  
  
"THIS IS MY HOUSE! DON'T TRY THAT IN MY HOUSE!" Zim ran towards Dib, arms swinging beside him. Dib reached for the closest chair near him, picked it up by the legs and smashed it against the side of Zim's head.  
  
"How do you like the taste of chair ZIM? HUH?" Dib raised what was left of the chair above his head. Zim took advantage of Dib's carelessness and socked him one right in the toolbag. "AAAAAAAAAA! SECOND BASE!"  
  
"You're too weak to beat me." Zim said panting. He began to kick Dib in the ribs as the 'stinkbeast' was apparently unconcsious. "Oooo, poor little earthling fell down."  
  
"Poor little earthling's gonna..." Dib quickly reached for a piece of the broken chair. "KICK YOUR ASS!" He hit Zim as hard as he could in the squeedily spooch.  
  
Before Zim could get a scream off, Dib immediately whacked the keeled over Irken in the face, causing him to fly back. Wiping the blood from his face, Dib walked over to the downed Zim and lifted him up by his antennae.  
  
"LET GO!" Zim cried as he tried to wrestle out of Dib's grasp. He was answered with an elbow to the face, courtesy of the earthling. "AAAK!"  
  
"Ready to give up Zim?"   
  
"LIKE...." Zim finally got out of Dib's grip and went into a kneeling stance. "IRK!" Tripping up Dib, Zim was instantly on him, punching him in the ribs.   
  
"RAAAA!" Dib flipped Zim over his head and instantly put him into a head lock. "FALL!"  
  
"AAK!" Zim tried to wrestle out of the hold but realized that it was too tight.  
  
"SING THE MEOW MIX SONG!"  
  
"WHAT?" Zim cried out, as Dib began to squeeze tigher.  
  
"SING IT, OR I TWIST YOUR HEAD OFF!" Still trying to wrestle out of the hold, Zim realized he could do nothing and....  
  
"I likes chickens, I likes livers, meow mix meow mix, please deliver." Dib instantly let go of Zim and both of them collapsed to the floor. They were out for what seemed to be two hours, until Zim finally spoke.  
  
"How did I know that song in the first place?"  
  
"It doesn't matter *hack*, I *cough* win!"  
  
"That's just one event stinkbeast. It's time for the next event." Zim took out the small piece of paper once again and wiped off the green blood that was flowing from his nose and ears.   
  
"Bring it on Zim."   
  
"Very well, the first person to come out of this room is the loser." A door opened on the side of the bar. Both Zim and Dib walked through the door.   
  
"What's so bad about this?" Dib asked as he looked at the small room with two chairs in front of a large screen.   
  
"Oh you'll see, have a seat." Both Zim and Dib sat down.  
  
"I still don't see..." the screen instantly flashed on and music began to play. "Oh God no."  
  
"BUM BUM BUM BUM BUMMMMM XEEENNNAAAA!" Dib instantly leaped out of the room, sweat coming down his head.   
  
"The.....HORROR!" the young boy cried as he was still trying to get the images of Lucy Lawless out of his head.  
  
"Heh, puny earth child, you're resistance is nothing." Zim quickly turned away from Dib and took out the earplugs and contacts that were helping him to not hear or see the horrible show. "Are you ready for the last event that will determine who the winner is?"  
  
"Nothing can be worse than that Zim, bring it."  
  
"Very well, BARKEEP!" Zim cried as a large Irken bar tender came out from behind the table.   
  
"What can I get for you?"  
  
"Bring us two gallons of......WHISKEY!" The bartender instantly brought out two huge jugs of very badly prepared whiskey and placed them on the table.  
  
"......Zim, please don't tell me."  
  
"That's right! First one to pass out losses. DRINKING CONTEST!" *kids in the audience, please PLEASE don't try this at home...... unless of course your friends want you to. What? Ok NEVER DO IT!*  
  
Both Zim and Dib began to down shot after shot, looking intensly at one another.  
  
"You're *hic* gonna be a spotonthe waaalllll Dib!" Zim said now very drunk.  
  
"YOU'RE NOT THE BOSSOFME!!" Dib cried out. Both the mortal enemies downed more and more shots as each one became more and more drunk.  
  
"Zimbo?" Dib asked.  
  
"What is it Dibby meister?" Zim asked, obviously trashed.   
  
"I just wanted to say that you're the greeatest."  
  
"Ohhhh, you're too kind."  
  
"No wait, I'mnotdone. You make me look like a watermelon compared to a blarney stone."  
  
"HEHEHEHEHEHE......I can taste colors." Both Zim and Dib instantly passed out at exactly the same time sleeping next to one another.   
  
"I have a plan!" Gir cried out as he walked over to the sleeping foes. He took Zim's hand and placed it on Dib's butt and did the same with Dib. "Hehehehehe!"  
  
Running away giggling, Gir laughed into the night.  
  
End Chapter 8  
  
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO WHAT FUN! Who won the contest? Will Zim and Dir be considered.... more than friends? Will Gir continue to laugh into the night? Will I finally use the chapter name of 'Cram for the Exam'? Yes.... yes I will. Join us won't you?  
  
Peace. 


	9. Cram for the EXAM!

Hello everyone. As you can see I'm writing this on Friday the 13th and I'm here with my girlfriend. Say hi to the crowd.  
  
*looks away disinterested*  
  
Ok, that went great. Well I thought it would be a great day to come up to this abandoned cabin and go desecrate some corpses, thereby showing people how to get themselves into their very own "horror movie-ish situation" Seeing how it is Friday the 13th and all and how there are enough Jason movies to line a litter box on television, I'm doing this favor for all my readers out there. How's that sound hon?  
  
*stares blankly*  
  
Terrific and away we go.   
  
*gets into old shoddy pick up truck*  
  
Now as you can see this has the makings of a great horror flick. I trust that nothing will happen when we desecrate all of the corpses and use them as if they were puppets.   
  
*steps out of truck*  
  
Well here we are. Hell Cemetery. *lightning flashes in the background* Thats a great sign that the horror process is already in its first stages.  
  
*walks over to the first grave he can find* This one looks good. Let's see..... Here lies The Crazy Maniac Psycho who Kills People cause he has nothing better to do. Perfect.  
  
*takes out shovel and begins to dig.*   
  
Now the first thing we have to do to get the process to reach its fullest potential is act like nothing at all is going to go wrong, even though no one in their right mind would do what I'm doing now.  
  
*Finally hits the coffin*  
  
Now we take our last chance of fleeing this evil place and throw it out the window by cutting the gas tanks of my truck. I mean after all, NOTHING COULD GO WRONG *winks. Gives girlfriend knife and she cuts the gas tanks to the truck*  
  
*opens up lid and sees horribly mangled and deformed killer*  
  
Now, we simply do something to irritate the corpse, still keeping in mind that absolutely nothing will go wrong. Honey would you hand me that party dress?  
  
*hands him party dress, dresses up corpse and starts to dance with it.*  
  
Hmmmmm, this doesn't seem to be working. Maybe some more irritation is required.  
  
*throws corpse back in grave, unzips pants.*  
  
Now if this doesn't do it, I don't know what will.   
  
*begins to do his 'business' on the killer's corpse.*  
  
Now remember, just as your doing the one thing you don't want to do with a dead killer corpse, making a quip is also required. Hey honey, I guess this guy's a little..... STIFF? HAHAHAHAHA!  
  
*corpse still doesn't move even after author finishes 'business'*  
  
Dang it. Oh I know what's missing.  
  
*puts down a hockey mask and weapon of choice right next to where the killer may have easy access to them.*  
  
There. Now one last reassurance that the killer is dead. Gee honey, I guess we'd better be going and all *winks*. Annnnddddd......  
  
*killer pops out of grave*  
  
Voila. Instant horror flick procedure.   
  
*killer starts getting out of hole.*  
  
Killer: Rrrrrrrr.  
  
Oh do be quite.   
  
*Places gun up to killer's head and fires off a whole clip.*  
  
There. Now as you can see, Jhonen Vasquez owns Invader Zim and all other properties, except for stinky here, he's all mine.  
  
*kicks dead killer corpse*  
  
Next week, we'll show you how to make sure the killer is dead before walking away, allowing the killer ample time to kill you at a later juncture. Good night.  
  
Enjoy the Chapter.  
  
*laughs to himself* What the hell was I thinking?  
  
Chapter 9: Cram for the Exam  
  
"Hmmmm. Dib's been gone for an awful long time." Gaz said at the dinner table, her father eating right next to her. "You think you killed him Dad?"  
  
"No, I don't think so. I mean, if I had, I would have been in a drunken stupor by now, crying to myself, and wearing high heels."  
  
"Is that what you did with mom?"  
  
"Now honey, you're mother died of natural causes." Gaz's dad winks.  
  
"Of course she did." Gaz winks back. "But it is weird that 'Paranormo the Idiot Boy' isn't here with his usual rants."  
  
"Well this has been a great twenty three seconds of conversation between us Gaz, but if you'll excuse me, I have to go and continue to be a horrible and negligent father."  
  
"Ok, see ya!"   
  
Meanwhile, at Earth Skool......  
  
"We're missing someone." Ms. Bitters said disintersted.  
  
"I think Zim and Dib have dissappeared!" said a young child sitting in the front row with black hair falling over his face.  
  
"Haven't I made it evident in my class, Todd, that no one cares what you think? YOU'RE GOING TO DIE A HORRIBLE DEATH SOMEDAY SO PLEASE DO US ALL A FAVOR AND BE QUIET UNTIL YOU DO!"  
  
"SQUUEEEE!"  
  
"Exactly."  
  
Meanwhile, back on Irk.....  
  
"Ooooohhhhhh, my head." Dib said as he shook his head from side to side trying to be rid of the after taste of the Irken whiskey.   
  
"fakjfdiosjdfi." Zim muttered to himself.  
  
"You said a mouthful Zimm..... SWEET MERCIFUL PANCAKES!" Dib screamed as he looked down to see his hand clutching Zim's.....heiney *of lack of a better word.*  
  
"Whazzit?...... OH MY IRK OH MY IRK OH MY IRK OH MY IRK OH MY IRK OH MY IRK OH MY IRK!" Zim also caught sight of his own hand, like wise on Dib's heiney.  
  
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Dib cried out for what seemed like three hours.   
  
"Ok, this isn't as bad as it looks."   
  
"Hey youse two." The barkeep said. "Get a room!"   
  
"I think I'm gonna be sick!" Dib said as he began to feel the vomit rise up in his throat.  
  
"PITIFUL STINKBEAST! IF YOU HAD NOT TRICKED ME INTO DOING THIS DUEL, NONE OF THIS WOULD HAVE HAPPENED!"  
  
"ME? THIS WAS YOUR IDEA ZIM! YOU CAN'T PIN IT ON ME!"  
  
Zim and Dib argued for the next several minutes about who had caused this unfortunate turn of events when all of a sudden, Dir rolled right next to their feet.  
  
"Gir did it to both of you when you were asleep. Jeez what did you think happened?" Zim and Dib looked at each other for a split second, cringed, and looked back down at Dir.  
  
"Dir, for the last time, you can't talk. Now let's go or we'll be late for skool." Dib walked out of the bar slowly, rubbed his eyes from the blinding Irken sun and was off.  
  
"Thats right run.....run.....GARF!" Zim vomitted all over his invader suit.  
  
"Cleanup on Aisle 3." The barkeep rang out as Zim wiped himself off and ran through the door.  
  
"Thank God that's over." Dib said as he was now freshly showered and bandaged from the amount of beating he had taken from the fist fight with Zim.   
  
"You should be so lucky, Stink mammal thingie." Zim said as he ran alongside Dib.  
  
"And why's that Irko?"  
  
"Because I'm betting my squeedily spooch that you forgot the big test today!" Zim smiled wickedly.  
  
"HOLY CRAP!..... I DON'T EVEN KNOW HOW TO WRITE YOUR LANGUAGE YET!"  
  
"Hehehehe, everyone will discover the truth once you score lower than everyone else in the class. Prepare for Doom, Prepare for horror, prepare for..... GWARF!" Zim vommited once again, right inside of Dir.   
  
"Oh gross Zim, thats just gross." Dib ran away from the recovering Zim, emptied out Dir and began to think of a plan. "I need to think of a way out of this, but how?"  
  
"........."  
  
"DIR, YOU'RE A GENIUS!" Dib took Dir by the handle and wheeled him into the class. Zim smiled and knodded slowly up and down as Dib sat down.  
  
"Now class, as you all know, today is the day when we all take the exam to determine how good we have been on his/her/its/their/more politically correct references invader project."   
  
"Oh teacher!" Dib cried out anxiously, arm swinging in the air.  
  
"What is it Ima?"  
  
"Zim just told me that his leg is hurting horribly and he needs to see the nurse, may I escort him?"  
  
"What my leg doesn't...." But just as Zim said this, Dib quickly pulled out a banjo from out of Dir and slammed it against Zim's right leg. "AAAAAAAAAAAAA!"  
  
"Hmmmm, I can see that. Yes you may, but be sure to be back in time for the exam, seeing as how your very soul depends on it." The teacher smiled cruelly as Dib took the screaming Zim outside.   
  
"Ok, listen here Zim. You're gonna tell me everything about the Irken language and how you invade planets, or else...."  
  
"Or else what stinkling?" Zim asked confidently. "You'll whack me with another banjo?"  
  
"No..... I'll do THIS!" Dib reached into his front pocket, and with lighting fast speeds, whipped out a number of small photos.  
  
"What are....." Zim's jaw dropped to the ground as he looked at the horrible pictures of him escorting his robot, dressed as a girl of course, to the restaurant. "HOW DID YOU...?"  
  
"How could I not take pictures of that joyous occasion?" Dib asked. "I'm sure the rest of the skool would just love to see an invader who is so pathetic he takes his robot out on dates."  
  
"I...BUT....YOU.....Oh crap." Zim bowed his head in defeat. "I will teach you...."  
  
"Excellent."   
  
The next fifteen minutes went by fairly quickly with Zim teaching Dib about how planets were invaded, how to understand written Irken text, and why the hell Sinbad was given his own tv show *Try to figure out the reference and you win a...... I don't know, I'm in over my head here."  
  
"So you're telling me that the whole planet is run on a structure of who is the tallest and who is the shortest?"  
  
"Yes." Zim said as the two walked back into the class room.  
  
"But that's so dumb."  
  
"It would have kept your filthy stinkbeast Bush out of the whitehouse." *Too good to resist, apologies and kisses.*  
  
"Good point." Dib pushed the door open and returned to his seat, Zim following suit.  
  
"Nice of you two to join the rest of the class in time for the exam." The teacher opened up a book and began to look at the class. "Now as you all know, the exam always comes down to one question. If you all are ready..... LET'S PLAAAAYYYY THEEEE FEUUUDDDD!"  
  
"Oh for the love of God...." Lights began to shine around the room as Dib said this and a huge sign which said 'Irken Feud' seemed to pop out of nowhere.  
  
"Ok, first contestant will beeee..... Invader E!" Invader E slowly walked out of his desk, still alive even after being hit by a flaming knife and thrown into a box full of rat people.  
  
"Ok, bring it on."  
  
"Invader E, your question is....... On the third night of the triple year of Kortex's sixteenth moon, what is the approximate measuring of the quanex that is attached to the head of the blordey fin?"  
  
"Uhhhhhmmmmmm..." E looked nervously around the room, beads of sweat running down his face. "4 quantums?"  
  
"Judges?" A large buzzer went off as E began to cry. "I'm sorry, but you did not put it in the form of a question. Bye bye now."  
  
"NO WAIT!" Just as E said this, a group of clowns who were foaming at the mouth seemed to spring out of the floor boards, grabbed onto the now screaming E, and dragged him into a dark room, never to be seen again.  
  
"Well, that was fun!" The teacher said as everyone in the classroom began to shake. "Next contestant iiissss..... Invader Ima!"  
  
Dib slowly walked out of his chair, gulped, and walked up to the large chair.   
  
"Invader Ima, are you ready?"  
  
"Ready as I'll ever be Biff!" Dib said nervously, Zim smiling in the audience.  
  
"Biff?"  
  
"What?"  
  
"*Sigh* Invader Ima, your question is..... when you reach a planet..." Dib gulped as he awaited the horrible question of....clowney....doom. "what do you do?"   
  
"OH COME ON!" Zim cried in the background. A smile grew on Dib's face as he immediately blurted out the answer.  
  
"What is invade it, Biff."   
  
"That is CORRECT!" The teacher yelled as balloons began to drop from the ceiling and all of the children began to clap for their classmate.   
  
"As your prize, you will not be given a horrible death administered to you by circus clowns who happen to be foaming at the mouth. Have a nice life Ima."   
  
Dib walked out of the classroom, breathing a sigh of relief.  
  
"WHY NOT JUST GIVE HIM THE ANSWER FOR IRK'S SAKE!"  
  
"ZIM! Since you are so anxious, you will be the next contestant."  
  
Zim confidently got out of the chair and strode to the front of the class.   
  
"Throw any question at me, I'm ready."  
  
"Very well Zim, for your life.... What is the official greeting on the planet of Glorbobia 3?"  
  
"........... WHAT DOES THAT EVEN HAVE TO DO WITH MY MISSION?"  
  
"Tick tock tick tock tick tock." The teacher made tiny clock motions with his hands.  
  
"What is......what is....." Zim began to shake nervously. "what iissssss.......I DON'T WANT TO BE EATEN BY CLOWNS!!!" Zim began to burst into tears as the teacher looked at him blankly.  
  
"Judges?......THAT IS CORRECT!"   
  
ZIm passed out after hearing that he would not be eaten.  
  
"Thank you for playing Zim and please play our home game. This is Generic Irken Teacher, signing off. GOOD NIGHT!"  
  
End Chapter 9  
  
THAT WAS SO FUN MY PANTS HAVE BEEN SET AFLAME! What will Dib do with his new found freedom of not being eaten by clowns? Will Zim ever get over his drunken stupor? Will anyone ever acknowledge Dib's existence back on Earth?   
  
Join us next time for......  
  
Chapter 10: Irken Partay's the thing!  
  
BEEP BEEP RICHIE! *another inside thing, just ignore it or step out of the way.* PEACE! 


	10. Irken Partay's the Thing!

Yes, this is about the longest time in between chapters, but I have a really good reason. Ummmmmmm *picks up a plant*   
  
IT WAS THE PLANT'S FAULT! BLAME IT! LOVE ME!  
  
Mysterious stranger: Oh come on!  
  
Who the..... YOU!  
  
Jhonen: That's right, ME! Throughout this whole ordeal which you call a story, I've been beaten, had a beaver thrown down my pants, and been avoided due to a lawsuit.  
  
I thought that was funny.  
  
Jhonen: YOU WOULD!  
  
All right, nobody makes fun of the fic in my house. ITS GO TIME! *armored mech suit rips apart author's clothes*  
  
Jhonen: Very impressive, but try on THIS! HAPPY NOODLE BOY ARMOR! *armor wraps around him*  
  
You're no match for all my weapons Vasquez. EAT.... NUCLEAR......THINGS! *fires nuclear.....things at Vasquez*  
  
Jhonen: WHOA! *dodges out of the way. Nuclear.....things hit an orphanage* HOLY CRAP!  
  
Here comes trouble.  
  
Jhonen: *retreats in fear of reprisal from authorities*  
  
Think I'll do the same. Enjoy and don't call the police.  
  
Chapter 10: Irken Partay's the thing  
  
Dib didn't know exactly how long he had been gone. There had been a number of different events he had to have gone through while on his time on Irk, trying to invade it before it invaded Earth, but he knew his time was almost up. He had luckily passed the exam so was now in no danger of being put into any happy boxes or eaten by any clowns. Dib felt a sort of feeling, a little quiet before the storm, so he would think. Something big was going to happen soon, he just couldn't put his finger on it.  
  
"YO IMA!" Yelled out Invader Random whose sole purpose in the story is to be ....well.....random.  
  
"What is it....Random, right?"  
  
"That's me. Listen we're going to have a crash party tonight to kick off the end of school and mourn those who *begins to cry* didn't pass the exam."  
  
"Sounds great, but what's a crash party?"  
  
"Oh it's when we pick some loser kid, show up and just start a party at his house."  
  
"I see, so who's the unfortunate kid?"  
  
"Oh, it's that loser....whats his name.... oh yeah Invader..."  
  
"ZIM!" Zim's mother cried out, working feverishly in the kitchen. "I see that you don't have any clown bite marks, you must have passed your exam."  
  
"Indeed I did mother, I passed it with flying colors."  
  
"I wanna fly." Cried out Gir as he climbed up onto the counter.  
  
"Quiet Gir. Can't you see that I'm trying to have a conversation here?"  
  
"Well I'm trying to have a french fry here." Gir then ripped off another of Zim's mother's extremeties and began to chew on it.   
  
"AAAHHH! Not again!!" Oil began to spray out of the hole where the finger was taken. "Zim, grab mommy a bandage."  
  
"Don't talk to me as if I were a child mother, I'm.... however many years makes me not a child old."  
  
"How old are you Zim?" The mother asked stopping dead in her tracks.  
  
"I think I'm....ummmmm....I...."  
  
"He's 345 years old." Gir said with a smile.  
  
"I'M NOT THAT OLD!......am I?" Gir shrugged.  
  
"Honey, you don't look a day over 600 years old." Zim's mother said, patting him on the head.   
  
"YOU'RE NOT HELPING HERE MOTHER!"  
  
"NOTHING'S EVER GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU ZIM!" Zim's mother began to cry and quickly ran out of the room despite the fact that she....had....no legs? Wait a minute.  
  
"You all ready?" The invader in the lead of the roaming band of invaders asked, Dib following behind.  
  
"YEAH!" They all responded at once, save Dib.  
  
"I guess this is a good thing. I mean after all, Irken parties can't be worse than everything else I've seen on stinksville planet. Besides, it'll give me another opprotunity to mess with Zim. Hehehe. Right Dir?" Dib looked down at his trusty sidekick and no reply was given as usual.  
  
"Dude, aren't you ever gonna stop lugging that thing around. Jeez I like robots more than the next guy, but you don't see me carrying it everywhere." Random said, still doing what he does best, being random.  
  
"Hmmmmm, you don't. OK!" Dib then threw his companion through a nearby window, striking down the Irken who held residence. "Oh crap, let's move faster people!"  
  
"There it is!" Said the leader of the gang, pointing to Zim's house. "Now you all know the plan we go in, get drunk and blame it on the kid who's house it is! We understand each other?" Everyone nodded.  
  
"This is gonna be awesome!" Said Invader Random as he rubbed his hands together.   
  
"1....2....3!" All the invaders busted down the door and began to look around with smiles on their faces. "WHO'S READY TO.....OH MY GOD!"  
  
"What?" Zim asked as he got up from ontop of Gir, the two of them seemingly having a little too much fun.   
  
"OH....MY....*BARF*" At that moment, half of the intruding invaders lost their lunch and began to fall like cans at a shooting gallery *for lack of a better analogy*  
  
"WE WERE PLAYING TWISTER, YOU SICK FREAKS!" Zim cried out.  
  
"I wasn't." Gir said with a wink.  
  
"AAA!" Zim quickly lunged back and pushed Gir away with all his might, causing the small robot to fly through the window.  
  
"Ok, that was the most disgusting thing I've ever seen but on a side note, LET'S PARTAY!!!!" The leader of the pack cried as he brought a giant keg out of nowhere. Every other Irken followed suit, bringing out their own kegs out of what seemed to be mid air.  
  
"Wait a minute." Zim said in a concerned voice. "I don't want a party here."  
  
"Sure you do Zimbo! Just relax and enjoy the ride." One of the invaders said, giving Zim a slap on the back that caused him to keel over.   
  
"What's the matter Zimmy?" Dib said, kneeling down to Zim's level. "Don't like parties? Or would you rather have your company be little robots?"  
  
"OH shut up stinkbeast!" Zim said as he got to his feet. "I'm sure you orchestrated this little get together."  
  
"No actually, it was the others. They said this was a crash party and they picked the loser of the school to host it." Dib said with a smile.  
  
"They think...I'm the loser?" Zim said sadly. He looked down, with an expression that almost looked like he wanted to die.   
  
"Zim?" Dib had seen a lot of expressions from Zim in the time they had known each other, but never before had he seen him sad, it was something entirely new to him and maybe to Zim himself. "Look, Zim...you can't rely on what the others..."  
  
"SAVE YOUR PITY! If they're too stupid to see who you really are, then let them get what's coming to them." Zim pushed Dib out of the way and ran past a table which had many Irkens circled around it.   
  
"Dude you ready?" One of the Irkens asked the figure sitting in the middle.  
  
"Fo SHO!" Gir cried out as he stacked six kegs ontop of one another and began to down all of them at once.  
  
"CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG!" All the Irkens cried out at once, banging their hands agains the table as Dib walked by.  
  
"Unbelievable." Dib thought to himself. "Zim sad...Heh... I never thought that possible. He seemed so..I don't know.... almost invincible on earth. But that one crack seemed to hurt him."  
  
"HI IMA!" Devi cried as she popped out of the crowd of Irkens and approached him. "Enjoying the party?"  
  
"I guess, whats up with this music?" Dib asked as he listened to the sounds which sounded like cats being beaten to death against a dumpster.  
  
"Its the latest thing. What, you know something better?"  
  
"DO I?" Dib said with a smile on his face. He walked over to the machine, stopped the music, picked up a microphone and got on the kitchen counter. "WHO'S READY FOR SOME REAL MUSIC!"  
  
"YEAH IMA!" The Invaders all shouted at once, Dib smiling now as he held the mic.  
  
"OK! YO YO YO RANDOM POP ME A BEAT!" Invader Random threw down a garbage can and began to rap against the side of it, thereby 'popping a beat'.  
  
"I DEDICATE THIS SONG TO MY HOMIES WHO DIDN'T MAKE IT OUT THE EXAM! WE MISS YOU DAWGS!" Dib then poured a large keg on the 'curb' of the house. "I LEARNED THIS NUMBER ON THE PLANET I WAS INVADING! HERE WE GO....."  
  
Dib turned around as the lights went out and a sole light was stationed on him. He quickly spun around and began to sing....  
  
"YO I LIKE BIG BUTTS AND I CANNOT LIE! YOU OTHER BROTHERS CAN'T DENY! THAT WHEN A GIRL WALKS IN WITH A ITTY BITTY WAIST AND A ROUND THING IN YOUR FACE, YOU GET SPRUNG!"   
  
All of the Irkens began to "get down" as Dib went on with the horrible imitation of a Sir Mixalot classic. When he finally finished, all of the Irkens began to clap and hoot histerically for Dib.  
  
"IMA! THAT WAS AWESOME!" Devi said as she ran up to him. "Can I have your babies?"  
  
"Maybe later." Dib said nervously as he pushed Ima away. "Right now, I gotta talk to someone."  
  
As Dib walked up the stairs, he could hear a low sobbing that appeared to be coming from the roof. Dib investigated only to find Zim with his head in his hands.  
  
"Zim?"  
  
"WHA?" Zim quickly wiped off his face, trying to remove any signature that he was crying. "What now stinkbeast, here to rub in more how defeated I am?"  
  
"No, I just wanted to come up here and talk."  
  
"About what? Killing me? Invading my planet? Making me the laughing stock of the skool?"  
  
"No. Jeez Zim, come on. Do you always have to be such an anal retentive bastard?" Dib said as he sat next to Zim.  
  
"What does that mean?"  
  
"Sorry, earth expression. Anyway, come on down and have some fun at the party. It'll take your mind off things."  
  
"To hell with the party AND TO HELL WITH YOU!" Zim quickly sprung to his feet. "YOU THINK BECAUSE YOU'RE TRYING TO SYMPATHIZE WITH ME WILL CHANGE THINGS! HOW COULD YOU KNOW HOW I FEEL? OUTCAST FROM MY OWN PEOPLE!"  
  
Dib smiled. "You weren't paying attention on earth were you Zim? I was an outcast and frankly, I didn't want to be but thats beside the point. I mean, it doesn't matter if you're an outcast or the most popular kid in skool or even a robot for that matter. Being yourself is what matters."  
  
"Did you get that off the television or something?" Zim asked.  
  
".....AGAIN! That's beside the point. So come on man, just forget your troubles and come down to the party."  
  
"Very well stinkbeast, you have won me over this night." The two shook hands, with Zim then tightening his grip and leaning his head closer to Dib. "This changes nothing between us stinkbeast, one of us will die eventually and I'm planning on it being you."  
  
"...... You're not getting my bud light Zim."  
  
"What?"  
  
"*Sigh* Forget it, anyway come on, I got something perfect for you to do."  
  
"WHATS UP ummmmmm EVERYONE?" Zim cried out as he was now standing on the counter where Dib had stood for his performance. Zim looked nervously at Dib as the earthling urged him on. "I LEARNED THIS....RHYME?.... DOWN IN DA HOOD? POP A BEAT MAESTRO!"  
  
"You got it!" Random then popped a beat for Zim as he held the microphone for dear life and took out a small piece of paper which had on it his "rhyme".  
  
"1.....2....3! VANILLA ICE ICE BABY!" Zim then went on to sing the rest of the song and the crowd loved it.  
  
The rest of the night was a night when everyone would have fun, and yet Dib could feel something inside him, something that was telling him: Things were about to get a whole lot worse.  
  
End Chapter 10  
  
OOOOOO SUSPENSFUL! Yeah I know, i took the sappy route, but it was worth it eh? Anyway..... What is going to happen next? Are Zim and Dib now drinking buddies? Will Random continue being random? Will Devi ever just GO AWAY? Find out this and more in....  
  
  
Chapter 11: Bad S**t's abrewing.  
  
You'd better get ready....or don't see if I care. BUT WHEN YOU HAVE YOUR HAND SHOVED IN A PILE OF GOO, YOU REALIZE THAT'S YOUR BEST FRIENDS FACE! NO WAY MAN! THAT'S CHINATOWN! *lawsuit* 


	11. Bad Sh**'s Abrewing

All right, because one person asked for it and I want to be fair, the person who will introduce the chapter this time around will be none other than....... GAZ!  
  
Gaz: Hello everyone. *turns off her gameslave*  
  
Glad you could do this intro for me Gaz.  
  
Gaz: Well I'm not! I can't believe that in this story I was pushed aside like a rancid bag of fruit. I deserve better! I'm an important piece to the puzzle that is Invader Zim and should be treated with more respect than the average slovenly bum. I mean, what is the deal with blah blah blah blah blah blah blah *continues ranting*  
  
*Author slowly walks back, smile on his face and nodding. Starts thinking to himself.* Ok, everything is going as planned. Just keep talking your crazy rants game girl. Pay no attention to the author slowly inching toward the instrument of your destruction. All I have to do is get the weapon and bash your head in with it, end of character in my fic who has no place in it. *picks up weapon and raises it over his head.* That's right, staaaayyyy rriiiiggghhhttt theeerrreee....  
  
Gaz: Blah Blah Blah It's in my contract and nowhere does it say that I should be shunned from society in such a worthless role and..... WHAT ARE YOU DOING? *swings around to see author with golf club raised high over his head.*  
  
OH! I was just....uhm...just... *quickly throws golf club out the window*  
  
Gaz: You were gonna bash my brains out with that thing weren't you?  
  
No...NO!...Of course not. I was playing.....Frolf?  
  
Gaz: Frisbee golf? YOU DON'T EVEN USE A GOLF CLUB IN FROLF!  
  
Maybe the way you play it you don't!  
  
Gaz: Well I won't just sit here and have a murder attempt placed on me. I'm leaving. *trips over large tombstone*  
  
Oh Crap!   
  
Gaz: *raises herself up* WHAT IS THIS? *picks up tombstone and reads aloud* HERE LIES GAZ? MAY SHE REST IN PEACE BECAUSE SCRIBE E COULD NO LONGER TAKE HAVING TO FIND A PLACE FOR HER IN HIS STORY?  
  
*laughs nervously* I thought it was kind of....funny?  
  
Gaz: When my lawyers hear about this you're gonna be in worse trouble than O.J. in a White Bronco! You're gonna....  
  
Tiffany Amber Theisin: Am I late for the audition?  
  
Gaz: *turns around suprised* WHAT THE HECK ARE YOU DOING HERE?  
  
T.A.T.: I'm here to audition for the role...*takes out a slip of paper*... of Gaz.  
  
Gaz: OF WHO??? *Turns her head psychotically to the author* YOU WERE GONNA REPLACE ME WITH KELLY FROM SAVED BY THE BELL?  
  
Well, I thought that maybe she would make a better sister to Dib. You know, the kids love her *points to random crowd of screaming clawing kids*  
  
T.A.T.: Hey, I'm not just Kelly. I also did work on Beverly Hills 90210 and From Dusk till Dawn 2.  
  
Gaz and Author at the same time: NO ONE CARES!  
  
T.A.T.: *runs out crying*   
  
NOW LOOK WHAT YOU DID! I'LL HAVE TO SETTLE FOR THAT CHICK FROM ROSEANNE!  
  
Gaz: WHAT I DID? YOU PIECE OF....  
  
Random kid: Jhonen Vasquez and.... well you know the rest. Now back to clawing and screaming! *continues clawing and screaming*  
  
Enjoy!  
  
Chapter 11: Bad Sh**'s Abrewing  
  
"OoooUggghhh." Zim cried out as he awoke with yet another hang over. "Two hang overs in a 24 hour span? How is that possible?"  
  
"That's what we'd like to know." The two tallest asked as they loomed over the fallen Zim.  
  
"Oh! Your tallest! I didn't know you knew where I lived."  
  
"We don't Zim, you're in our office." Zim looked around to see that he really was in their office.  
  
"Oh...I'm sorry! I had no idea!" Zim said embarrisngly.  
  
"Zim..." The purple tallest said in an angry tone. "You do realize that last night you came into our office at 3 in the morning, proclaimed yourself the queen of "Funktown", took off your pants, threw a half eaten piece of what seems to be a microphone at us, accussed your antennae of being slovenly, and then fell asleep crying next to an Irken cleaning machine."  
  
Zim looked over at the cleaning machine and jumped back in horror. "I can only say that I am deeply sorry for any transaction that I may have caused you and beg for your forgiveness."  
  
"No need to fear Zim, we are loving tallest. Therefore, we will let you out of here with a warning and no punishment shall be given to you." The red tallest said, smiling at Zim.  
  
"Thank you your Tallest, now if you would excuse me, I have skool to go to." Zim walked out as the two tallest waved good bye to him.  
  
"So we gonna punish him?" The red tallest asked.  
  
"WITH EXTREME PREJUDICE!" The purple tallest said clenching his fist.  
  
"I love it when you talk all macho."  
  
"You would!" The two then left their office giggling like school girls.   
  
"I'm late for skool, I can't believe this!" Zim said as he sprouted out his mechanical spider legs on his backpack to help him move faster.   
  
"Hey there Zimmy." Dib said as he casually walked next to Zim, seemingly in no hurry.   
  
"STINKBEAST! WHY ARE YOU NOT HURRYING TO CLASS?" Zim shouted as he slowed down to ask Dib.  
  
"Oh, well you see turns out our teacher was at that big party at your place last night. Also turns out he got a little tipsy, got hold of a ceramic mouse statutte yadda yadda yadda we should be seeing him in 6 to 9 years, if he's on good behavior. So you see, the skool will be open at least an hour later in search of a substitute."  
  
"*Phew*!" Zim's mechanical legs sprung back into his backpack and he walked beside Dib. "That's a relief anyway."  
  
"Why are we going to skool anyway, we finished exams already." Dib asked.  
  
"Stupid foul thingie, we still have to make our reports, hence the whole purpose of going to skool on Irk. It should happen in two days or so, then we are finished."  
  
"I see. Anyway, Where did you go last night Zim?" Dib asked. "All I can remember you saying is that you 'pitied da foo's' and then ran out of the house screaming."  
  
"Well, I was maybe a little drunk."  
  
"A little? A LITTLE? YOU POUNDED DOWN 6 KEGS BY YOURSELF!"   
  
"Wow..." Zim said astonishingly.  
  
"I'll say. Although you are now the most popular kid in skool for it. So I guess I should say congratulations."  
  
"I don't need your congratulations. I knew they would come around eventually, after all, who can resist Zim?" Zim smiled as the two finally made it into the class and saw a robot standing where they're teacher usually would.  
  
"Seeing as how you're teacher got into some trouble with the law last night. I will be substituting until he comes back."  
  
Zim slowly walked back to his desk as every Irken boy in the room was giving him the thumbs up and every girl in the room was blowing him kisses and for a few vice versa *ick*.  
  
"So class please open your text books to page...Oh wait. I almost forgot." The robot substitute pulled down the screen and pulled out a remote. "Please pay attention to the front of the class for Invader Zim's punishment."  
  
"My what?" Zim asked as footage began to run across the screen.  
  
"Hey look it's Zim!" One of the Irkens cried.  
  
"What's he doing with that piece of string and that concrete block?"  
  
"Ok...listen cause these part is portant." The Zim on screen said, obviously trashed out of his mind. "I call this trick the Flaming Seaweed."  
  
The class watched on as Zim pulled off horrific feats of horrible..... horrificness.  
  
"OH MY GOD!" One of the students said as the film ended. "I'M BLIND!"  
  
"Well Zim..." Dib said as he leaned over to the astonished Zim. "Looks like your five seconds of popularity is now over."  
  
For the rest of the day, Zim banged his head against the front of his desk.  
  
"So remember you should always *Brriinnnggg*" The bell interrupted the teacher as all the invaders got out of their seats. "Ok Invaders, remember reports in two days. Ima, would you come up here?"  
  
Dib walked up to the robot. "Yeah?"  
  
"I was asked to give this to you." The substitute gave Dib a small envelope and Dib opened it up anxiously. Just as the now shunned by the class Zim walked over to him, Dib began to read.  
  
"What is that?" Zim asked pointing at the paper.  
  
"Holy crap! I'm BEING HONORED!"  
  
"WHAAAATTTT?" Zim cried as he snatched the paper away from Dib and skimmed it quickly. "The tallest are honoring you for destroying the most planets?"  
  
"Awesome isn't it?"  
  
"BUT YOU HAVEN'T DONE ANYTHING!" Zim yelled at the top of his lungs.   
  
"Funny ain't it?" Dib walked away with a smile on his face underneath his mask as Zim had about twenty squeedily spooch attacks.   
  
The day went by as Dib prepared for the honorment by the Tallest by splashing on the same tux he wore for his date with Devi.   
  
"Hmmmm, better make myself more presentable, eh Dir?" Taking out a green can of paint from the closet, he spread on another lather of paint onto his Lil Sprout mask and was off to the Tallests' arena of honorment.   
  
After walking for several minutes, he finally came upon a large stadium like structure which seemed to be packed to the brim with Irkens. He walked in, only to be showered with praise and things that resemble...praise *ok even I'll admit thats bad.*.  
  
"You Ima?" A large Irken said, obviously an Irken bouncer.  
  
"Yeah?"   
  
"Come with me sir."  
  
"Awesome." Dib thought to himself. Never before had he ever thought that the whole experience of Irken life would be this easy and comfortable. He smiled as his very own bouncer escorted him onto the stage to the two Tallest.  
  
"Everyone SHUT UP OR I'LL VAPORIZE THE LOT OF YA!" The red tallest screamed at the crowd as everyone instantly stopped what they were doing. "That's better."  
  
"Tonight we are all here to honor the efforts of one of the greatest Invaders ever to grace Irk with his presence." The Purple said holding a large award. "We give this award to the greatest Irken invader of this year....INVADER IMA! WIGGLE YOUR ANTENNAE FOR THE BOY!"   
  
Everyone began to wiggle their antennae for their favorite invader and Dib was more than happy for it. He looked into the crowd to see Zim, muttering to himself angrily, in opposition to the whole ceremony. Dib could only smile as he took the award from the tallest and placed it at his side.   
  
"Thank you all very much. I will try to make you all proud..." Dib took a large bow and quickly sprung back up. "FOR IRK! YEAAAHHHH!"  
  
However, everyone was now quiet. There were no more cheers or the wiggling of antennae for Dib. As he looked out into the crowd, a confused look came on his face as a look of shock and fear came over all of their faces. All except for Zim, who was sporting a wicked smile. Dib looked to his right to see the tallest with the same looks of fear on their faces and looked to his left to see several Irkens rushing toward him, then......Dib looked down.  
  
"Oh.....no." Was all Dib could get out of his mouth as he saw his mask, broken and shattered on the ground beneath him.   
  
End Chapter 11  
  
Wow, even I'll admit that was suspensful. What will happen to Dib now? How will Zim take advantage? What is the Flaming Seaweed Trick? Is Gir dead, or is he just sleeping... out of the author's view?  
  
These questions and more will be answered in....  
  
Chapter 12: Hi, My name is Dib and I'm Screwed.  
  
Peace! 


	12. Hi, My name is Dib and I am Screwed

Hi there boys and girls. For this introduction seeing as how it's February and all *random person walks up and whispers into author's ear* ITS NOT FEBRUARY??.....*sigh* All right, well anyway seeing as how its whatever month we're in at the present time, I thought I'd do something a little different.  
  
Devi: Uhmmmm.....  
  
I thought I'd go on a date with Jhonen Vasquez's Devi, pretty neat eh?  
  
Devi: Who are you talking to?  
  
The audience... *points over to two people sitting at a table, trying to avoid the obviously deranged person's line of sight.*  
  
Devi:....riiigghhttt.  
  
So here we are at Luigi's restaurant and we just saw the movie....what was it called again?  
  
Devi: *sigh* Debbie does Dallas.  
  
Oh yeah! That's the one I picked. Now I have to say a lot of those "money" shots were especially great. I mean they actually made me believe that a donkey could actually do that....flipped upside down even.  
  
Devi: Could we please talk about something else?  
  
Oh sure. Anything in mind?  
  
Devi: Well, I guess we could talk about art or something. I am a pretty talented painter at the moment even though I'm being tortured by a small doll from a painting I made....  
  
Ooooo sounds kinky.  
  
Devi: Ummmmmm yeah.... *rolls eyes*  
  
GARCKON! GARCKON! *snaps fingers together and hails over waiter.*  
  
Waiter: Garcon you mean....Yes?  
  
A sloppy joe for me and a BLT for my lady friend.  
  
Devi: That's not what I wa...  
  
Waiter: Sir, this is an italian restaurant.  
  
So?  
  
Waiter: Soooo we only serve Italian food here, hence the name "Luigi's"  
  
I thought you were just naming it after one of the Mario Bros.  
  
Devi: *slaps her hand over her face*  
  
Waiter: No sir. Would you like to order something else mayhap?  
  
Fine, a pizza or something... *to Devi* Is that even Italian?  
  
Devi: YES! *deep sigh* I'll just have some garlic bread. *hands waiter the menu*  
  
Waiter: Very good Ms. and....thing sitting across from her. *walks away*  
  
Well looks like we have some time before our orders get here so it gives me just enough time to tell you the "How I lost my molars" story.  
  
Devi: Oh my God....  
  
*Twenty Minutes later*   
  
So then I told the police, "HEY! JUST BECAUSE THE MONKEY INTESTINES WERE FOUND IN MY PANTS, DOESN'T MEAN I WAS THE ONE WHO SACRIFICED THEM TO THE DEVIL!"  
  
Devi: *shakes after hearing horrible story*  
  
Boy, HAHAHAHA was my face red.....you know from the monkey blood and all.  
  
Devi: *starts looking over the table to try and find an instrument to kill the author*  
  
Waiter: Here you are... Some garlic bread for Miss and a pizza for the.... insane asylum escapee.  
  
Thank you! So, you must have had other dates before me, what were they like?  
  
Devi: *shudders at the thought* Sadly, you're the best one so far.  
  
ALL RIGHT!  
  
Devi: *starts looking over the table to try and find an instrument to kill herself*  
  
You know, I think that in this light, you look very beutifal and you're eyes seem to scream to me in such a way that...HEY WHATS THAT OVER THERE?  
  
Devi: *looks the other way as the author puts the pizza on his shoulder and stuffs all the garlic bread in his pants, now darting for the window*  
  
AND AWAY I GO! I HAVEN'T EATEN IN WEEKS! *jumps out the window*  
  
Devi: ........ That suprisingly ended better than I expected.  
  
Waiter: Jhonen Vasquez is the proprietor of this establishment and thereby owns all food and souls within, thank you and please tip me.  
  
Enjoy.  
  
Chapter 12: Hi, My name is Dib and I am Screwed!  
  
"H..O...L...Y...C...RAAAAPPPP!!!" Dib cried as he was being surrounded by every single Irken in the building.   
  
"WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?" Yelled out Red as he pointed at Dib, now maskless.  
  
"I TOLD YOU ALL, BUT YOU WOULDN'T LISTEN TO ME! I WAS RIGHT! HEHEHAHAHAH!" Zim laughed triumphiantly as Dib began to move to the back of the stage.  
  
"Ok, this may look bad to all of you. I know this 'visage' may be something of a shock. Come on though, what are you going to believe? Zim? Your own eyes? Reality? Or will you believe.... THE SHIRT?" Dib pushed the labeled part of his shirt forward as the letters instantly began to melt from the hot lights bearing down on him. "HOLY MONKEYS!"  
  
"GET HIM!" The purple yelled as most everyone pulled out some kind of weapon. Multiple lasers and various projectiles flew at Dib as he began to duck and dodge as best he could. As a number of large Irken security guards ran at him, Dib ran full force straight at them.  
  
"What the hell?" One of the guards said as Dib kept running. In full force, Dib fell on his arm and began to roll at full momentum. His tiny body smashed against the legs of the guards and caused them to topple to the ground.   
  
"Wow..." Dib said as he shook his head from side to side. "Not going to try that again."  
  
"Let's hire guards you said! They'll work out just fine and they're cheaper then robots you said!" Red said as he scolded Purple.  
  
"OH SCREW YOU!" Purple yelled back. "KILL...WHATEVER THAT THING IS!"  
  
As Dib heard this, he lunged for a closed window and mistakingly smashed through it, causing all the glass to break around him. "CRRAAAPPPP!"  
  
"DAMMIT!" Red cried. "He got away."  
  
"Where did Invader Ima go?" Purple asked as he looked around.  
  
"OH FOR IRK'S SAKE!" Zim cried as he managed to pull himself on stage. "THAT WAS IMA!"  
  
".........."  
  
"HE WAS NEVER AN IRKEN INVADER!"  
  
".........."  
  
"HE WAS A HUMAN BEING DAMMIT!"  
  
"We don't follow you." Purple said as he raised his shoulders up, confused.  
  
"A CREATURE LIKE BLORTEC!!!"  
  
"HAHAHA!" Everyone in the arena began to laugh hysterically. "Zim, please. Everyone knows that Blortec and his kind died thousands of years ago!"  
  
"THEY'RE ON EARTH DAMMIT!"  
  
".......What is Earth?"  
  
"RRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!" Zim screamed at the top of his lungs, shaking his fists in the air.  
  
"Cute kid." Purple said to Red in reference to Zim.  
  
"No he isn't."  
  
"CRAP CRAP CRAP CRAP!" Dib cried as he began to run back to his house. "What am I going to do with a whole planet coming after me? At least in planet of the apes the monkeys couldn't throw you in a happy box and Charleton Heston was president of the NRA, so he could handle himself!"  
  
*Somewhere in the universe, someone sighs....How many sighs has been in this chapter like 13?*  
  
"Ima..." Someone whispered from an alleyway as Dib stopped in his tracks. The mysterious figure beckoned Dib forth as the young earthling walked slowly and suspiciously toward him.  
  
"Who's there?"  
  
"It's me Dib." The Irken classmate of Dib's stepped out from the shadows. "Random."  
  
"Invader Random? What are you doing here?"  
  
"I'm here to help you. Look..." Random reached behind his head to take off the flimsy wooden mask that didn't have facial movements to reveal his true face, that of one of the slaughtering rat people.  
  
"HOLY CRAP!"  
  
"Shhhh...you want to be heard? Now listen, there are hundreds of surviving alien species that are on Irk right now disguised as Invaders. All of these species, mine included, have been subjogated to the horrible Irken will. Your planet however was lucky in getting the stupidest Invader Irk had to offer. As for the species here, we've been lying in wait for someone to get as close to them as you did, and with your help we can take down the Irken Empire and free our people!"  
  
Dib looked astonished then confused as he looked down at Random's horrible costume which merely looked like a bunch of random sticks and rocks glued together under a red carpet with a wooden mask painted green. "Now how the hell did I not see that?"  
  
"Probably because of this." Random pointed to the back of his costume which had 'IRKEN=ME!' in big letters.   
  
".....Ok. But why else would you help me Random? Surely this may jeopardize your mission."  
  
"Well yes, but I also did this to prove everyone that my name is not who I am. I'm not just some random character placed in existence to be filler material and eventually die at the hands of some horrendous robot type creature. No, I HAVE A SOUL AND I'm GOING TO..." Just then Random got a hole the size of a bowling ball blown through his chest. "OH....shit balls."  
  
"CRAP!" Dib cried as he looked up at the number of Irken robots pointing lasers at him. Looking down at the now dead rat person of Blortch, Dib picked the dead carcas up and flung it at the robots. "EAT RANDOM!"  
  
Two of the robots were nailed with the dead rat carcass as Random cursed Dib in the afterlife.  
  
"DESTROY ORGANISM!" The robots signaled as they fired multiple laser shots at Dib. Dib was able to dodge many of the lasers but quickly realized he would get hit eventually. Running as fast as he could, he ducked under what seemed to be a vent and waited as the robots looked around. After several minutes the robots left.  
  
"*Phew*....What am I in?" Dib looked down to see himself covered in a green liquid and cringed as he realized he was waist deep in....Irken dookie. "Perfect."  
  
Pulling himself out of the mess, Dib made the long trek back to his house and opened the door. As he quietly walked into his house, he washed off the gunk with a random hose and began to take off his costume *ladies and gentlemen, please avert your eyes as Dib gets dressed aaaannndddd......he's in his underwear, everyone can look back now.*  
  
"Thats it Dir." Dib said to his trashcan, beaten and bruised from the various Irken experiences. "If I'm going to declare war on Irk, I'm doing it... AS AN EARTHLING!"  
  
*Cue Dramatic Music*  
  
Dib then pulled on his classic black pants, his blue shirt, his leather jacket, his boots, and his glasses. As he slicked his hair back, his glasses reflected off the light coming outside as he stood alone in the dark. *Damn is this a cool scene or what?*  
  
"All right Irk!" Dib cried, back in his classic clothes. *CLASSIC CLASSIC CLASSIC AAAAAAAA!* "Get ready to pay for....that....what was his name?"  
  
End Chapter 12  
  
OOOOOO DOOKIE! What will Dib do against Irk in retaliation for....*stares blankly*? What will Zim do to try and rid Irk of Dib's presence? Will the Disguised species help Dib in time? Who likes short shorts?  
  
Find out these and more in......  
  
Chapter 13: DIB VS IRK....IN MADISON SQUARE GARDEN!  
  
Ok that last part probably isn't right. PEACE!   



	13. DIB VS IRK.....IN MADISON SQUARE GARDEN!

Guess who's going to introduce this chapter? None other than....FILLERBUNNY!  
  
Fillerbunny: *Shown with a gun in his mouth about to pull the trigger*  
  
Oh no, none of that now! *author pulls away large shotgun to Bunny's dismay.*  
  
F.B.: NO! I WAS SO CLOSE! WHY CAN'T YOU LET ME CEASE TO BE?  
  
Because you're too funny and you have not served me to the fullest yet.  
  
F.B.: *reaches for shotgun cartridge and begins to bang it against the side of his head, hoping it would have the same affect as being fired out of a barrel.*  
  
Now that's just sad. *snatches away cartridge*  
  
F.B.: I've been alive for 200 YEARS! WHY CAN'T I REST IN PEACE?  
  
That's enough, Do your job! *kicks bunny in front of the audience.*  
  
F.B.: Sigh... *happy smile instantly comes on his face* WHEEE TIME FOR FUN!....sigh *begins doing a happy jig*  
  
Gotta love those jigs.  
  
F.B.: WATCH AS I CLIMB THE ANDIES! *climbs Andies* BUNGEE JUMP OFF THE BROOKLYN BRIDGE! *bungee jumps* WRITE A STORY ABOUT ZIM! *begins to write the story, then takes the pen and jams it into his throat*  
  
NOOO! I TOLD YOU ALREADY NONE OF THAT! *takes pen out of Bunny's neck and heals it up*  
  
F.B.: Soooo close *begins to cry*  
  
Ok, you've reached me. I'll let you die now.  
  
F.B.: REALLY? *becomes very happy*  
  
Sure. Here. *hands Filler Bunny two pills.*  
  
F.B.: What are these?  
  
Cyanide pills. They'll kill you instantly.  
  
F.B.: YIPEE! *Downs the pills*  
  
*snicker*  
  
F.B.: What are you laughing at? *looks down to see he's still alive* WHY AREN'T I DYING??  
  
I pulled a trick on you Mister Bunny. Those were two highly effective laxatives, the only way you're gonna die is on the stool! AAAHAHAHA!  
  
F.B.: NOOO! *stomach begins to rumble and runs into the bathroom. Loud, deafening "stool" noises can be heard in the background.*  
  
Well that was fun. Don't worry kids, even if he does die in there, we'll just regenerate him back to his old self.  
  
F.B.: NOOOOOOOOO! *more "stool" noises. The wall next to him reads: "Call Jhonen Vasquez for a good time, he owns all this stuff."  
  
Enjoy!  
  
Chapter 13: DIB VS IRK.....IN MADISON SQUARE GARDEN*  
*Last part is void.  
  
"In the past week," The Irken reporter was stating off of the television screen which Zim was glued to. "there have been an unseemingly large number of explosions and what seem to be attacks being made on very large complexes and military bases throughout the area."  
  
"Dib." Zim said in a low voice, Gir dancing behind him.  
  
"These events seem to stem from the disappearance of Invader Ima, one of Irk's greatest invaders. Is there a connection to be found between these two occurences?"  
  
"Yessss." Zim whispered with a smile on his face, nodding his head up and down waiting for the reporter to state the obvious.  
  
"OF COURSE NOT! HAHAHAHAHAHA! THAT WOULD BE RIDICULOUS!" The reporter's camera crew could be heard laughing hysterically in the background as Zim picked up Gir and threw him through the screen.  
  
"BLAST IT! AM I THE ONLY INVADER ON THE PLANET TO SEE DIB FOR WHAT HE TRULY IS?"  
  
"I miss Ima." Gir said as he climbed out of what was left of the television. "I also miss bellbottoms.....DISCO FEVER!"  
  
"Quiet Gir! I need complete silence to put two of my most ingenious plans into fruition."  
  
"I like fruition, its comes in a can." As Gir stated the fact that he liked fruition, Zim continued to tinker on one of his two diabolical projects to help him bring down Dib. "Whatcha makin?"  
  
"Funny you should ask Gir. With this last smelt of the blowtorch aaaannndddd...THERE!" Zim put down the large blowtorch with which he was molding *I like to say molding, its randy!* and marveled at his latest creation. "By the prickings of my thumb, I have made a major discovery."  
  
"That thumb pricking hurts?" Gir asked.  
  
"Well yes, that and that Dib must be hiding away with others races who are disguising themselves as Invaders or will meet them within the confines of this chapter, whatever works."  
  
"......Ya lost me!" Gir cried out.  
  
"What I need to do is disguise myself as an Irken Invader thereby getting access to the underground.....thingey!"  
  
Gir's eyes flashed to red causing him to revert back to his smart side for a few seconds. "That is the stupidest thing I have ever heard in my entire life."  
  
"The robot's right dear." Zim's mother butted in. "Why disguise yourself as something you already are, and that costume is just horrible looking, it looks nothing like an Irken Invader. I've never seen an Invader who was purple before."  
  
"I couldn't find any green....BUT NEVERTHELESS!"  
  
"Nevertheless what?"  
  
".....III WAAANNTT TOOO WEAR IT!" Zim said beginning a tantrum.   
  
"Honey, I'm putting my hand down on this one."  
  
"I'm gonna hold my breath until I die if I can't wear it!" Zim then took in a big grasp of air, expanded his cheeks and held his breath.  
  
"ZIM! ZIM STOP IT! STOP IT!" Zim shook his head from side to side rebelliously. "I REALLY MEAN IT THIS TIME ZIM! YOU'RE NOT WEARING THAT THING!"  
  
Zim's face began to turn a bright red as he continued to hold his breath.  
  
"........"  
  
"........"  
  
"......ALL RIGHT YOU CAN WEAR THE HORRIBLE DISGUISE! JUST BREATH!" Zim let out a huge gasp of air and began to breath once more.  
  
"Thank you mother for being mature for two seconds about this." Zim's mother sighed as she left the room, leaving Zim to try on the ridiculously hideous invader costume which was purple.   
  
"That was silly!" Gir said with a smile, eyes blue once more.  
  
"Yes it was, but now I will reveal the second part of my plan." Zim took off a large blanket which was covering his other master work. Gir looked at the contraption to see a long line of miniature planets stacked in a row.  
  
"You're gonna chuck balls at him?"  
  
"Of course not, that would ruin his social life. ZING!" Zim made a zing motion with his hands *if you do not know what this motion is it's one hand slapping against the other and sliding forward.* and held the position for a good minute or two. "But I jest."  
  
"I digest!"  
  
"Don't we all, Gir? But anyway, as you can see, I have created a device that is able to actually move the planets within the Irken Solar System. That's when I'll have him."  
  
"Meeeaaannniiinnnggg?" Gir asked.  
  
"Meaning that Irk is about to have a galactic equinox a few centuries early. HEHEHAHAHAHAHA!"  
  
"HEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHE......eguobots." The two laughed into the night.  
  
"JESUS H CHRIST!" Dib cried out as he ducked and rolled outside of the large Irken building as it exploded into thousands of pieces. Pieces of shrapnel and parts of the building came raining down as Dib stood up and brushed off his jacket. "*whew* Another one bites the dust eh Dir?"  
  
"........"  
  
"HOLY CRAP DIR! YOU'RE STINKING DRUNK!" Dib pointed his finger of accusation at Dir who had obviously been caught in the blast.   
  
"........"  
  
"Well we'll have an intervention for you later but for now, thanks for using that ability I gave you to blow up buildings and such using some common everyday lamp shades and oxy cream. I never knew if you mixed those two together, placed them on a garbage can and threw that garbage can into a building, it would explode."  
  
*Now, here's what really happened at this building and the number of other buildings that Dib has "taken out"*  
  
15 minutes earlier......  
  
"Dude it so doesn't make the building explode when you press it." One Irken guard said to another eyeing a big button which said 'SELF DESTRUCT BUTTON FOR BUILDING!'  
  
"Oh yeah!" The other guard said in reply. "Well my dad says that it does, he knew this guy across the street who thought just like you and he ended up blowing up the building!"  
  
"Aahh you're dad's full of it, I'm gonna press it!" Other Irken guard throws up his hands in defeat and watches as first guard hits the button making the building explode. *AND YES, THIS IS HOW IT HAPPENED WORD FOR WORD IN EVERY BUILDING!*  
  
THE PRESENT.........  
  
"Wow, that was weird." Dib thought to himself.  
  
"YET INFORMATIVE!" Dir cried out in reply, Dib giving him the evil eye to keep the inanimate object quiet.  
  
"Ok, so that makes 4 buildings in the last week. At this rate, I should be able to blow up Irk in about......1346 years. Excellent, it all goes according to plan." Dib quickly grabbed Dir and brought them both into the shadows as the Irken police showed up on the scene.   
  
"Hey you." Dib spun around fast to see a small Irken standing behind him.   
  
"OH CRAP! GET HIM DIR!" Dib threw the large garbage can at the Invader, causing the small green creature to be flipped around and knock into a nearby wall, teeth first.  
  
"AAAAAAA! MO TOOTH!" The Irken cried as many of his teeth were now knocked out.  
  
"EAT YOUR OWN BRAND OF JUSTICE......Irko..??..!" Dir sighed as Dib stood over the creature.  
  
"I'M NOB AB IRKAN!" The Invader gummed out.  
  
"What? I can't understand toothless people. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.... Get it? Cause you got no teeth."   
  
The Invader held up his finger as to make Dib pause, took out a sheet of paper and a pen and began to write. Once he finished, he gave the paper to Dib to read.  
  
"Let me see... 'I am not an Invader. I am part of the underground alliance in which Random was a part of. We are called: Preventers Of Oppresion and Persecution by Irken Eradicators. Otherwise known as Opperation P.O.O.P.I.E....?" The toothless alien in disguise nodded as Dib couldn't help but chuckle.   
  
"POOPIE?" Dib asked as the small creature nodded. "Oh well, I've heard worse I guess."  
  
"COB WIT MO!" The alien in disguise gummed out.  
  
"What?"  
  
"*sigh*" The alien then motioned to Dib to follow him and so he did.  
  
"GIR!" Zim yelled out at the small robot. "PUT ON YOUR DISGUISE ALREADY!"  
  
"Okee dokee!" Gir replied as he looked up at Zim in the horrible costume and began to put on his own Invader costume.  
  
"Now remember Gir, I shall be known as Invader Purple and you shall be Invader Pink."  
  
"Ohhhhh why do I have to be Invader Pink?" Gir said in a whiney tone.  
  
"BECAUSE YOU'RE A...."  
  
"Will you be out late then Zim?" His mother interrupting a very funny movie quote.   
  
"Yes mother. I swear, must you be on me for everything?"  
  
"Oh I guess Zim has grown up and doesn't need his mother anymore. Well I'm sorry mister as long as you live under my roof you have to follow my rules." Zim walked over to his mother and began to pour water into one of her openings. "AAAAAkkkkkk....French noodle ppaaassttrryyyy..."  
  
"That should do it." Zim said dusting off his hands and watching his mother shut down. "I'll fix her up later, and then program her to make me some pop tarts."  
  
"Mmmmmmmmm."  
  
"Mmmmmm indeed Gir, mmmmmm indeed."  
  
Dib and the member of P.O.O.P.I.E arrived at a large abandoned building. It was barely holding itself together and seemed to be a disaster waiting to happen.   
  
"What are we doing here?" Dib asked.  
  
The young alien stuck up his finger and pushed a small button on the front of the dismantled door. A trap door opened underneath the two and jettisoned them through a large tube. For several minutes, they fell and then finally...  
  
"Welcome back G8&$*E)DMFHJDHKF.....Bob. I see that you were able to get the one Random kept mouthing off about. Good work." The alien who greeted the two said.   
  
"THUD YOU." The toothless G8&$*E)DMFHJDHKF.....Bob tried to say.  
  
"GOOD LORD! You've lost your teeth! Well you know how adamant we are on oral hygene soooooo..." The alien snapped his fingers as two large guards ran through the crowd and took the now screaming....ok lets just call him Bob all right I don't feel like typing all the letters. I GOT WAY IN OVER MY HEAD ALL RIGHT?..... Bob outside. Dib cringed in horror as he heard two gun shots in the distance.  
  
"Ummmmmm I think I'll be going now."  
  
"Nonsense, proper introductions are needed." The alien, who was obviously the leader of P.O.O.P.I.E, wrapped his tentacle around Dib's shoulder. He was a creature who was entirely made up of tentacles with a small little face on each one of his slimy appendages.  
  
"Please don't touch me, you sicken me." Dib said as he carefully picked off one of the tentacles.  
  
"Oh sorry. Anyway, my name is Sloppy Joe and I am the feared leader of our organization."  
  
"......My name's Dib. You realize there's a sandwich named after you where I'm from?"  
  
"Hmmmm Is this sandwich made of good things?"  
  
"No. Actually its made of Pig ass and rat bits mixed together in a blender and poured in between two stale buns."  
  
"...........Where are you from again?" Sloppy Joe took out a pad with the sentence 'World I need to Destroy' written on the top.  
  
"Eart......MARS!"  
  
"HEY!" A martian cried out as Dib tried to hide from his sight.  
  
"Very well." Sloppy Joe finished writing down Mars and put away his notepad. "I have heard very good things about you Dib. If you would do us the honor and stay for our meeting, I'm sure you will see that we are coming ever closer to destroying Irk."  
  
"Are you really?" Dib whispered into Joe's ear.  
  
"......No ma'am." Joe whispered back sadly. "But anyway, please mingle with some of the other operatives here. Our meeting will begin soon."   
  
"Fair enough." Dib said as Sloppy slithered away. Looking around the room, Dib found himself horrified by the appearance of many of the aliens which surrounded him. That is until he saw an unbelievably ravishing woman who looked human enough standing next to the food table. His jaw nearly dropped to the floor as he found the nerve to walk up to her. "Hey there baby, whats your sign?"  
  
The ravishing alien looked down at Dib.   
  
"I am Navelent and I have waded through the blood of my own people. My family's skulls were crushed in before my very eyes. My puppy's legs were broken off and his upper torso was used as if it were a car in a puppet show for amusement purposes. I had to kill my way out of an Irken firing squad using only some scotch tape and Bisquick. My visage is feared throughout the Irken empire and I plan to kill as many of those little green freaks as I possibly can. I SHALL KILL THEM ALL!"  
  
"....... My name's Dib. I dress myself." Dib said confidently as he pushed his hair back with his hand and shot her a smile. Before Navelent could dispose of Dib, Sloppy Joe called the meeting to order.  
  
"I call this meeting to order just like the author said I would, but before we start we must recite our oath!"  
  
"Oath?" Dib questioned.  
  
Every alien, save Dib that is, held up their toes which had poop colored rings on the end of them and held them up to what seemed to be a large toilet which shined a poopy light in the middle of the room.  
  
"IN BRIGHTEST DAY!" All of the aliens yelled together. "IN BLACKEST NIGHT! NO IRKEN SHALL ESCAPE OUR SIGHT! LET THOSE WHO WORSHIP IRKEN'S MIGHT! BEWARE OUR POWER, POOPIE'S LIGHT!"  
  
"...... That was the most retarded oath I've ever heard."  
  
"What are you supposed to be?" A large guard asked the small mysterious figure on the outside of the meeting.  
  
"I..." Zim took off his mysterious hood of mysterious mystery .....mystery. "am Invader Purple."  
  
"I'm Pink!" Gir replied back.  
  
End Chapter 13  
  
OOOOOOOOOOO *cough* OOOOOOOOOOO! What does P.O.O.P.I.E have in store for Dib? Will Zim be granted entrance? Is Gir really worthy of the name Pink and what does that say about the way he swings? Why doesn't my girlfriend look like Navelent....*gets slapped over the head by GORGEOUS girlfriend* she looks BETTER....YEP!....SURE DOES!....QUESTION MARK!  
  
Find this out and much more in.....  
  
Chapter 14: KICK ZIM IN THE NARDS!  
  
Peace! 


	14. KICK ZIM IN THE NARDS!

I HAVE RETURNEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEDDDDDDDDDD! RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! *hack wheeze* Anyway, I'm so very sorry for not getting my updates sooner but with the site being down for so long and my vacation to Ireland, its been a little hectic and I haven't been able to churn out the chapters as much as I'd wanted to. However, I will try to churn out more to your liking. Going back to the vacation however, although Ireland was a very nice place, it cost me the three final minutes of the newest Zim episode. THE TAPE RAN OUT *THOUSANDS OF OBSCENITIES!* So, therefore, whoever out there can tell me the ending to "Hamstergeddon" will be placed into my next intro. YOU HEARD RIGHT! The first person to write in their review of this chapter the ending will be placed into the next intro in a comical means or way. Thanx, and enjoy.....heh heh.....moose.  
  
Anyway, To introduce this chapter, I'm going to do something I never thought I would do. WRITE ZIM ROMANCE FICS! Good Lord Why?  
  
#1 Zim/Gaz  
  
"I love you Zim!"  
"I love you Gaz!"  
"Let's never be seperated, EVER AGAIN!"  
"Oh Gaz, if only...... is that your hand on my ass?"  
*Gaz shakes her head "no". Zim looks back to see Ronald McDonald with a horrible smile on his face.*  
  
#2 Zim/Dib  
  
"I love you Zim!"  
"I love you Dib!"  
"Let's never be seperated, EVER AGAIN!"  
"Oh Dib, if only...... is that your hand on my ass?"  
*Dib shakes his head "no". Zim looks back to see Hamburglar with a horrible smile on his face.*  
  
#3 Zim/Professor Membrane  
"I love you Zim!"  
"I love you Membrane!"  
"Let's never be seperated, EVER AGAIN!"  
"Oh Membrane, if only...... is that your hand on my ass?"  
*Membrane shakes his head "no". Zim looks back to see Grimace with a horrible smile on his face.*  
  
#4 Zim/Ms. Bitters  
"I love you Zim!"  
"I love you Ms. Bitters!"  
"Let's never be seperated, EVER AGAIN!"  
"Oh Bitters, if only...... is that your hand on my ass?"  
*Bitters shakes her head "no". Zim looks back to see Fry Guys and the McNugget Buddies with horrible smiles on their faces. Horrible sex orgy ensues with Bitters old wrinkly....ok that'll do*  
  
Hamburglar: STOP THIS AT ONCE!  
  
Wha?  
  
Hamburglar: How dare you use the McDonald's characters in such a fashion! Why if I weren't bloated from the all the cheeseburgers I had taken from small children I would *gets shot through the heart.*  
  
*author stands triumphantly holding gun* THAT'LL TEACH YOU FOR STEALING MY HAMBURGER AND HAVING NOTHING HAPPEN TO YOU FOR ALL THIS TIME DESPITE YOUR CRIMES YOU SAD SON OF A BITCH!  
  
Fake Grimace: Hi Kids! WHOOAAA *falls down stairs out of nowhere. Basically just a memory of the author's in a fake Grimace's case who had the misfortune of not being able to see in his costume so he fell down a flight of stairs. My God, that was so very funny.*   
  
Well Enjoy!  
  
Chapter 14: KICK ZIM IN THE NARDS!  
  
"And you are....?" The hulking guard in front of the large headquarters of the secret organization known as POOPIE asked.  
  
"Why, I am but a lowly friend of your organazation's who wishes entrance to bring down the Irken empire, they call me.....Purple!" Zim said in his horrible *sigh* Irken Invader disguise.  
  
"Oh yeah? What race are you?"  
  
"......Kryptonian?"  
  
"No you're not."  
  
".....Klingon?"  
  
"No you're not."  
  
".......That sexy blue chick from Farscape?"  
  
"Keep going."  
  
"ALL RIGHT FINE! I'm.....human?"  
  
"....Yeah you're stupid looking enough to be human."  
  
"Indeedy I am....wait a minute."  
  
"Look, even though you probably are human under there, you're still going to have to show me your invitation. No one gets in without an invitation." Zim looked back at Gir, also in a horrible invader disguise, and winked.  
  
"Invader Pink, if you would give him the 'Invitation'." Zim made open quotes with his fingers as he said 'Invitation' and waited for Gir's response.  
  
"'O....K'" Gir quoted back. Gir took out a napkin with bits of food and something written in lipstick on the front. The small robot then walked up to the guard, did the quotes motion with his fingers, gave him the napkin and walked away.  
  
"This says 'I like eggs with sausages.'" The guard said looking up puzzled.  
  
"GIR!....I MEAN...PINK! YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO GET THE FAKE INVITES I MADE!"  
  
"I 'left them at home'" Gir said, still finger quoting.  
  
"STOP DOING THAT!" Zim yelled, Gir still quoting. "SCREW IT! PLAN B!"  
  
"Wha....AK!" The guard cried as Zim hit him across the face with a wooden leg, causing him to lose conciousness.  
  
"You see that Gir? He doesn't have a LEG to STAND ON! AAAHAHAHAHAHA!"  
  
"........ '....' ...." Zim slapped Gir over the side of the head for that display of quoting and dragged him into the complex past the knocked out guard.  
  
"BEETLE BAILEY BEAT HIS WIFE! I KNOW IT, YOU KNOW IT! SO WHY DONTCHA JUST ADMIT IT?" The drunk alien yelled at the other aliens, shaking their heads from side to side, trying to contain him. Dib stood in the corner wondering what he was even doing there.  
  
"Ok Dir, I've been here for about an hour and all I've seen so far is Sloppy Joe blow up a couple planets, a lot of aliens getting drunks off their ass, and my would be girlfriend killing those who try to beat her at table tennis." Dib looked over to Navelent who was shoving a paddle down someone's throat and smiling as she did it.  
  
"EAT PADDLE! CHALLENGE ME AT PING PONG WILL YOU?"  
  
"Jesus." Dib had all he could stand and brought himself up on a table in front of the crowded room. "EVERYONE SHUT UP!"  
  
Everyone in the room instantly stopped what they were doing and looked up at Dib.  
  
"Good. Now listen, the only way we can take down the Irken empire is if POOPIE gets off their asses and starts working to bring it down from the inside. Now I'm willing to work with you to attain this goal if you'll just band together. ARE YOU WITH ME?"   
  
".......Sure why not." All of the aliens said at once, gathering around Dib.  
  
"You see Dir, its all about the machismo."  
  
"You see Gir, its all about the....whats that in your hand?"  
  
Gir quickly threw the dead duck in his hand and looked up at his master. "Nothing."  
  
"Good, see that it stays that way. Now Gir, seeing as how our Irken disguises allow us to slip through the rest of these idiots, we'll have an easy..." Just as Zim said this he noticed that the crowd alongside him and Gir were no longer next to him, but in front with Dib in the lead looking straight at Zim.  
  
"Zim."   
  
"Dib." The two rivals stared into each other's eyes and then Zim quickly remembered he was undercover. "I mean, who are you? I'm just an alien disguised as an Irken. Yes siree. That's me."  
  
"I'm Pink and I'm Proud." Gir said strutting across the room.  
  
"Zim, you make my life sadder than it has to be. Now please leave."  
  
"Really, and who by chance is going to make me?"  
  
"ME!"  
  
"Oh yeah? You and what army?"  
  
"THIS ONE!" Dib pointed back to the hundreds of aliens standing behind him.  
  
"Oh...oh yeah? Them and what army?"  
  
"THAT ONE!" Dib then pointed to thousands of other aliens convienently packed away in a storage closet, yet still threatening enough to be noted.   
  
"Ooook. Even though you are menacing with your thousands of alien beings helping you, you're no match for me one on...AAAAAAAA!" Zim cried as Dib slammed his knee into Zim's lower regions. "MY KLONBARKAL!"  
  
"THATS HOW WE DO IT IN THE STREETS BOYEEE!" Dib cried mockingly over Zim, rolling around in pain on the ground. "Come on everyone, we've gotta.....where did Dir go?"  
  
The two looked at each other menacingly. This would truly be the fight to end all fights as Gir and Dir began to circle one another.   
  
"Rrrrrrr." Gir girred menacingly.  
  
"RRRRRR." Dir growled back. Gir then leaped on Dir and the two began to roll on the floor, attacking each other. The blows they delivered onto one another began to shake the compound, glass from the windows began to crack from the mere shock of their blows, and a few of the aliens ears began to bleed from the sound barrier being broken by the tussle.  
  
"Ok this is just getting stupid." Dib walked over to the titanic battle and rolled Dir away from the bruised and battered Gir whose disguise was torn to pieces.  
  
"Come back and fight like a robot ya frig!" Gir then passed out.  
  
Dib finally walked out of the complex, ready to take down Irk with his comrades of POOPIE following close behind. The red sky glared down on the motley crew as they all began to put on their Irken disguises once again, save Dib whose identity had been compromised.   
  
"What are our plans?"  
  
"We'll get to that Joe." Dib said, looking at Sloppy Joe. "But first a question if you don't mind."  
  
"Yes?"  
  
"Well why is it that all these different aliens from all over the galaxy can not only communicate with one another, but also survive the exact same environment?"  
  
"Hmmmmm, thats a good questi..AK!" Just as Sloppy Joe tried to finish the statement, he was no longer able to breath the air and died on the spot. Dib looked around in horror to see the rest of POOPIE fall down dead right at the same time.  
  
"OH NO! OH NO! OH.....Wait a minute, how come I can still survive in the environment?" Dib asked himself.  
  
"Because you're essential to the plot." Said the booming voice of the author, drunk on his own power.  
  
"Oh right. Well goodbye POOPIE, I hope that in death you can find the peace you've been looking....HEY A PENNY!" Dib then picked up the penny and walked off happy, completely mocking everything POOPIE had died for. *jeezus thats horrible*  
  
This would be the part of the story where we go back to Zim, except he is still debilitated after getting a nut shot as ANY guy would be. So we'll let him rest and go back to Dib.  
  
"And so I says to him, I says....Good, we're home. Now we can begin to think of some way to finally destroy the...What the? What's this thing?" Dib asked Dir as he looked at the side of the house.   
  
"........"  
  
"No, its not a fruit fly getting killed by a African Warthog, it appears to be some kind of button." Dib looked closely at the button labeled, "Mech Suit".  
  
End Chapter 14  
  
OOOOOOO YEAH! BACK WITH A VENGEANCE BAYBEE! Will Zim ever recover from the horrible nut shot? Will POOPIE ever be remembered.... no they won't. Will Dib beat Irk? Will the author EVER FINISH THIS STORY? Will Archie choose Betty or Veronica or is Jughead the king of Queen Archie's world?.....right.  
  
Join us next time for.....  
  
Chapter 15: LOOK MA! I'M IN A BIG F-ING MECH SUIT!  
  
..........Ronaldo would be a funny name for a clown don't you think? 


	15. Look Ma! I'm in a BIG F-ING MECH SUIT!

WELCOME ONE AND ALL, TO THE MAGIC SHOW OF THE GREAT E-ZEENIE! I am your host, the mystical and magical E-Zeenie and tonight I will be performing tricks of magic dare not seen on this earth. If you could give a hand to my two lovely assistants, Amethyst Soul and SilverFlashpup! *You see, everyone wins!*  
  
For my first trick, I will pull a rabbit out of my hat. *takes hat off of head* Just wave my magic wand and say the magic words, "Hocus Pukus!" aaaandddd VOILA! *pulls out a rabbit who is turned inside out, crowd begins to scream and children start to cry*   
  
What the heck is the matter with you people its just a....*looks at horribly mangled rabbit corpse* GREAT GOOGLE MOOGLE! *quickly puts rabbit back in hat* Ok, ok that could have gone better. For my next trick, I shall need a volunteer.   
  
Fat Random Man: OOO I WANNA BE A VOLUNTEER!  
  
Very good my portly friend. If you would stand right next to me.  
  
Fat Random Man: HI MA!  
  
Yes, hello fat random man's mother. Now sir, can you attest that there is nothing up my sleeve?  
  
Fat Random Man: Why yes I can. Hehehe.  
  
Stop giggling. Now sir, lets all see what I found behind your ear *puts hand behind man's ear.* Why, it's a QUARTER....*looks over to hand to see man's brain in his hand. Fat Random Man falls over and large amounts of saliva start coming out of his mouth.*  
  
Audience: AAAAAAAAAAAA!  
  
HOLY SHNIEKES! ...... Ummmmm, if the audience could all agree that this man was comatose before I took out his brain, you will be allowed to leave the theatre with your lives. SO SIT DOWN!   
  
Audience: *hesitantly sits down*  
  
Random Boy: Daddy, is E-Zeenie gonna kill us.  
  
Boy's Father: I'm not gonna lie to you.....Your mother and I will use you as a human sacrifice to escape E-Zeenie's wrath.  
  
Random Boy: *starts to cry*  
  
Ok, for my next trick I will need yet another volunteer. *five minutes go by and no one steps forward.* Fine, I'll just do the trick where I make the audience turn into a horrible bloody mess.  
  
Audience: *pushes small girl to the stage.*  
  
Hello little girl, do you want to be part of my act?  
  
Small girl: No.  
  
GOOD! Amethyst, Pup, if you would be so kind as to bring up the box of death. *assitants roll the box onto the stage and stand in front of it smiling for several minutes.  
  
.......... STOP STEALING MY SPOT LIGHT! *assitants run off in terror* Ok, now little girl, if you would kindly get into the box.  
  
Small Girl: *hesitantly enters the box*  
  
Now watch as I "cut this girl into small bits" *winks at the audience* Now we start the cutting *slashes through the box many times with a number of swords.*. There that should be enough slices to have the small girl into a number of pieces. I guess you could say she's a "cut-up."  
  
Audience: *laughs hesitantly*  
  
Ok, on the count of 3 we open the box. 1.....2....3! *flips open the switch and bloody bits and pieces of the small girl horribly fall out.*  
  
Audience: *runs out of the theatre*  
  
WHERE ARE YOU GOING? I TOLD YOU I WAS GOING TO CUT HER IN HALF! YOU ALL CONSENTED! I THOUGHT WE HAD A VERBAL AGREEMENT ON THIS! Oh well, back to the drawing board. Enjoy the story.....Ugh her fingers are caught on the bottom of my shoe.  
  
Chapter 15: Look MA! I'm in a BIG F-ING MECH SUIT!  
  
"Mech suit?" Dib asked as he examined the button even closer. "What the heck is a mech suit?"  
  
"......."  
  
Dib ignored Dir's ramblings and continued to wonder at the meaning of the mysterious button. He licked it, he sniffed it, he tasted it, he threw a bannana peel at it, and yet nothing seemed to happen, not one reaction. Still puzzled, Dib scratched his head studying the "Mech Suit" button.  
  
"This...bu-tt-on... is very odd Dir. Nothing I seem to do seems to get a reaction out of it. Its almost as if this thing isn't alive."  
  
"IT ISN'T ALIVE YOU TARD! PUSH IT! THATS WHAT YOU DO WITH BUTTONS! YOU PUSH THEM! IN THE NAME OF ALL THAT'S HOLY, PUSH THE FREAKING BUTTON!" Dir screamed at the top of its garbage can lungs.....wait a second, garbage cans don't have lungs *Author's head implodes.*  
  
"Push it eh? Hmph...It's crazy enough to work." Dib pushed the button with all his might and jumped behind Dir in a cowardly state, not knowing what to expect after the button had been pushed. Even after a few minutes of waiting, nothing seemed to happen.  
  
"Push the Button? HA! I told you it wouldn't do anything, now if you'll just get me a bucket of fish paste maybe I can get the button to..." Before Dib finished his sentence, the ground beneath him began to shake. Fearing for his life, Dib let out a high pitched squeel and jumped into Dir.  
  
"Woman." Dir whispered to himself. Dib managed to peek his head out of Dir just enough to get a glimpse of what was happening to his crappy residence on which he lived on the planet of Irk. Lights began to flash on and off within the house as arms and legs sprouted out its sides. Huge cannons burst forth from its shoulders as two large swords popped out of its back. Two shotguns then formed out of thin air as the house began to change even more. Finally after a few minutes of transformation, a head burst out of the roof. The large once house now robot got into a patented fighting stance and the sun reflected off its paint job.   
  
"Wow. That's a spicy meatball." Dib said as he looked at the giant Mech Suit. Slowly and clumsily pulling himself out of Dir, the young paranormalist was in awe of the large mech suit and simply stood in front of it for several minutes, salivating.  
  
"IMA!" Dib paid no attention to the voice as he spit kept running down his chin, mouth wide open. Invader Devi ran in front of Dib, hugging him tight. "Oh Ima, I don't care if you're a human. We were meant to be. Come with me Ima, we can run away from all this. We can live such great lives, we won't need to believe in heaven anymore because we'll already be there."  
  
"..........."  
  
"Ima? Are you listening?"  
  
"..........."  
  
"IMA?! IMA?!"  
  
"Wha....?....Oh...Devi..."  
  
"Dib, have you heard one thing I've said."  
  
"Yeah....heaven....and....bullfrogs....whatever..." Devi kept trying to get Dib's attention to no avail.  
  
"What are you looking at?" The Irken girl looked around to see the large robot and looked back to see more and more spit flow down Dib's chin as his eyes grew wider and wider. "Oh for the love of.... Look Ima, its either me or the Mech Suit."  
  
Dib didn't even look at Devi as he pushed her out of the way and hugged the leg of the large robot.   
  
"FINE! BE THAT WAY!" Devi stormed off as Dib kept hugging the robot's leg, tears running down his face.  
  
"I have never been so happy *sniff* in my entire life. THANK YOU DAD!"  
  
"Leave me alone." Professor Membrane said back on earth, drinking shots of vodka alone in a corner.  
  
"Well, if this is to be Irk's destruction, it must have a fitting name. So be it, my mech suit shall be called...... THE GUNDUMB, DIB'S KICK-ASS MACHINE!" Dib pointed his finger up into the air and tried to jump up to the cockpit as he had seen on so many television shows, only to fall back down to earth, twisting his ankle. "AAAA! MY ANKLE, IT HURTS SO BAA... Hey look, a quarter."  
  
Dib completely forgot about his broken ankle and picked up the quarter, putting it into his pocket.   
  
"......."  
  
"You're right Dir! You'd make a perfect shield." Dib placed the hesitant trash can onto the side of the large mech's arm and climbed to the cock pit.   
  
"Get ready Irk." Dib said as lights within the cockpit sprang forth and the mech suit began to move. "CAUSE I GOT KICK ASS IN A CAN!"  
  
"I GOT BREAD IN A CAN!" Gir yelled triumphantly as he snapped open the top and ate all the bread within it.  
  
"Gir....please don't....say anything....It....hurts...when...you talk." Zim cried as he kept holding hs nether regions.  
  
"Master's got a booboo. Maybe bread in a can will...OOP!" The can fumbled out of Gir's hands and slammed into Zim's crotch.  
  
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAA!"  
  
"INVADER ZIM!" The purple tallest cried as he kicked open the door to Zim's room.  
  
"Jeez you think it took long enough for us to get back into this story?" The red tallest asked.  
  
"Tallest? Please don't come any closer."  
  
"What? No wound should stop an invader from his mission."   
  
"I GOT KICKED IN THE CROTCH.... HARD!" Zim cried out as he continued to writhe in pain.  
  
"Ok.....well you go back to healing, we'll give you a year or two off to recover."  
  
"Wow, you think he'd be dead after getting up to second base." Red whispered to purple.   
  
"NO! AAAK!" Zim pulled himself up to his feet, grabbed his crotch and snapped it back into place as everyone in the room looked on in horror.   
  
"SWEET MOTHER OF GHANDI!" Purple cried in horror, Red trying to hold down the vomit.  
  
"I need no time to recover, the stinkbeast is still on the loose and I will bring him to custody."  
  
"I like custurdy, it goes great on bread." Gir said as he continued to suck out all of the bread in the can.  
  
"Now if you would excuse me, tallest, I have to go kick some human ASS!" Zim walked out of the room, Gir in tow.  
  
"....I'm gonna have nightmares for years." Purple said in a whisper.  
  
"Hold me." Red grabbed onto Purple as they shook in terror.   
  
"All right Gir, with my brilliant deductive skills, I have come upon the deduction that Dib has come upon a large mech suit which he will use to bring about Irk's downfall."  
  
"Wow Master how did you...." Gir turned around to see the large mech suit trouncing through the city. "Oh."  
  
"To stop him, I'll need a suit of destruction of my own, but the only thing thats even remotely close to a robot suit is....." Zim looked down at Gir and smiled.   
  
"WOOOOOOOOOO BABY!" Dib said as he blew another hole through an Irken building with his shotgun. Throwing the shotgun away, Dib took out one of his massive swords and sliced through a nearby transport, causing it to explode. Through the flame and carnage, the mech suit stood triumphantely in yet another cool stance. "Ooooohhhhhh yeeeaaahhhhh."  
  
"DIIIIIBBBB!" Zim cried.  
  
"Zim?" Dib asked within the Gundumb. "Where are.....Oh my God."  
  
"What?" Zim asked as Dib looked down on Zim stuffed inside Gir. Both Gir and Zim were at their regular sizes, with Zim stuffed inside his stomach compartment, his arms sticking out of Gir's mouth.  
  
"You make me sad to be alive Zim, very.....very sad. After I'm done destroying your planet, I'll keep you alive to be a court jester or something." Dib then kicked Gir into a nearby building and continued his rampage.   
  
"Gir?" Zim asked as he climbed out of the small robots compartment, pulling his arms out of his mouth.   
  
"Masstterrr....?" Gir said softly as sparks began to shoot out of his sides.  
  
"Yes Gir?"  
  
"Am I....dying?"  
  
A tear ran down Zim's face as he looked down on his small servant. "I'm afraid so Gir, I'm afraid so."  
  
".....HOORAY! IN HEAVEN I'LL GET BURRITOS!" Gir cried out as he jumped into the air, wounds healing themselves.  
  
"BLAST IT GIR! You had me scared for a second there."  
  
"I scare myself all the time when I make spooky faces in a mirror."  
  
"Right.... Well Gir, to stop Dib, I'm going to have to use this!" Zim pulled out a small handheld device from his belt and held it in the air.   
  
"What is it?"  
  
"It's a temporal displacement machine. Hopefully it'll be enough to stop Dib. If I don't come out of this Gir.....don't touch my stuff." Zim ran away from Gir, straight at Dib's suit.  
  
"What are you doing Zim, want to be smashed into a pulp like a pizza?"  
  
"Yes, thats what I want to do." Zim said as he rolled his eyes and began to climb up the robot to the cockpit. The Irken Invader then smashed open the hull and jumped onto Dib.  
  
"GET OFF ME ZIM! GET OFF ME!"  
  
"NO! WE'RE GOING ON A RIDE YOU AND I! A RIDE TO....FUNKYTOWN!"  
  
"Yeah ok Zim, that's where we're going." Dib said saracastically as Zim activated the machine. The Temporal Displacement machine began to shake and produced a blinding light. Gir closed his eyes to avoid the light and when he opened them, the two enemies were gone.   
  
"Master?" Gir looked around to find nothing, except the machine, which had not shut off and was still producing a blinding light.   
  
End Chapter 15  
  
This is it. Next Chapter. Dib. Zim. The End.  
  
Join us next time for.....  
  
Chapter 16: The Final Invasion   
  
Oooooo, melodramatic, but the end usually is ain't it? 


	16. Final Invasion

Well its hasn't been easy getting this rag tag bunch to do what I tell them *author sitting in director's chair*, but it has to be done or else they'll do whatever they want. I mean Gir is always asking for more and more prostitutes.  
  
Gir: MORE *hic* PROSTITUTES!  
  
See? If I weren't directing this motley bunch, nothing would ever get done around here.   
  
Roadie: Sir?   
  
Yes?  
  
Roadie: Ummmm this next scene calls for some cats but we don't have any.  
  
I CAN'T BE BOTHERED WITH THIS SORT OF THING! HERE! *takes something out of pocket and puts it into Roadie's hand.* USE THESE!  
  
Roadie: *looks into hand and sees a rubber band and a pack of gum.* What are these for?  
  
FOR MAKING THE CATS, STUPID!  
  
Roadie: "Making"...? You mean like....mechanical ones?  
  
NO! REAL ONES! NOW GET TO IT!   
  
Roadie: *walks off with confused look*  
  
You see what I mean, YOU SEE?   
  
Zim: WHAT IS THIS?  
  
*sigh* What is it Zim?  
  
Zim: You want me to read these lines with sadness and pain? How can I do that? ZIM KNOWS NOT THESE THINGS!  
  
Hmmmm an interesting query *lights up a cigarette and puts it out onto Zim's eye.*  
  
Zim: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!  
  
GOOD! USE THAT! AND ACTION!  
  
Roadie: ....... Sir we don't have the cameras ready yet.  
  
Fine, I'll just have to use this lunchbox, now get me two pieces of licorice and maybe we can get some work done.  
  
*Two large white jacketed men come in, with Dib and others behind them.*  
  
Dib: THATS THE GUY! HE KILLED MY MONKEY!  
  
Gir: HE DIDN'T GIVE ME MY PROSTITUTE!  
  
Real Director: HE THREW ME INTO A RIVER WITH MY FEET AND LEGS HANDCUFFED TOGETHER!  
  
Gaz: I'M NOT IN HIS STORY MORE. *everyone stops dead. Gaz is then seen being thrown out a window.*  
  
FINE TAKE ME AWAY, I POISONED THE WATER SUPPLY!  
  
*everyone starts screaming and throwing up*  
  
Before these nice men take me away, enjoy this, the finale of Invader Dib. Thanx to everyone! Now, the beginning of the end.....  
  
Chapter 16: The Final Invasion  
  
"Great Zim, just great." Dib kicked a rock across the scenery, slumped back against a boulder and looked up into the black sky. "You felt it so necessary for me to get off your STUPID homeplanet that you transported us to a foreign planet where everything is hostile and trying to kill us, or eat us, or worse. What was the name of this place again?"  
  
"Blortch." Zim said, turning away from his tinkerings for a second then turning back. "Unfortunately, due to a miscalculation and loss of the temporal displacement device, we ended up here instead of earth. Also Unfortunately, I need you to teleport with me, or else the amount of mass will be hindered and my teleportation range will be severly limited."  
  
"Did I say great in a sarcastic manner yet? Cause if I didn't....GREAT!" Dib cried as he got up. "*sigh* This is just like that stupid movie, 'Enemy Mine' where the two alien enemies get stuck on that one planet. Don't expect me to save your ass if your leg is grabbed by a sandworm Zim."  
  
"Hmm that may be true for me, but YOU on the other hand have nothing to fear on this planet where death is concerned."  
  
"Huh? Why's that?"  
  
"Well..." Zim got up from his machine he was working on, mechanical tools springing back into his metallic backpack, and wiped his hands off on a dirty cloth as he turned to Dib. "Because of your skin color."  
  
Dib looked down. "My...skin?"  
  
"Yes, you see pink skin is considered quite the...how do you stinkbeasts put it?...turn-on here on Blortch. You'll probably get sold into prostitution or a hareem or something."  
  
"Hmmmm well thats not so bad. What do Blortch women look like?"  
  
"Basically they're twenty foot rat people with a nasty temper, spikey hair, and two mouths filled with razor sharp teeth. One of their mouths is on their faces."  
  
"....Where's the other one?"  
  
Zim smiled wickedly and looked Dib right in the face. The young earthling immediately began to shake as all of the color began to shrink off his face and he turned deathly white.  
  
"GET US OUT OF HERE ZIM!"  
  
"That's what I have been trying to do for sometime stinkbeast, but thanks to your constant gawking I have been distracted as of late. However, the device I was just working on should be able to send me back to Irk, that is before I teleport you into a nearby star."  
  
"WHAT?"  
  
"Did I say 'star'? I meant 'earth'!" Zim laughed nervously as Dib's face showed more and more anger toward the Irken Invader. "The device should be ready if we can find a large enough power source to fuel it. We should create a camp of some kind though, nights on Blortch are a little....rough."  
  
"Fine." Dib said angrily, hating the thought that he would have to spend anytime with his enemy. A slow rumbling noise then emerged from Dib's stomach. "Damn, I'm hungry."  
  
"Ha! Your hunger makes you weak, crapcreature!"  
  
"'Crap Creature?' *sigh* Yeah, ok Zim. Anyway, I was meaning to ask why the hell none of you Irken eat, I mean you only seemed to do it on earth to appease the other kids around you, but on Irk, no one ever ate anything."  
  
"Heh." Zim laughed as a large tent sprung out of his backpack and erected itself in the dirt, in front of the long cold desert. "Invaders have no need of such frivolties, at birth we are given a nutritional supplement which takes full circle within our bodies and is then eaten once again anually."  
  
".....YOU EAT YOUR OWN SHIT!!??" Dib cried as he fell on the ground laughing.  
  
"SHUT UP HUMAN! I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT SHIT IS!"  
  
"Sorry, heh heh, you know what Zimmy?"  
  
"STOP CALLING ME THAT!" Zim said, walking into the tent.  
  
"I was so gonna kick your planet's ass in the span of the short time I was there while you couldn't beat earth in the long time you were there." Dib said smiling, following Zim into the tent.  
  
"Of course you were, what with your great organization of dead POOPIE agents and your robot which was made out of a house." Zim laughed.  
  
"CRAM IT WITH WALNUTS ZIM! At least I got play on Irk! What'd you get besides Gir play?"  
  
"......I hate you."   
  
Back on Irk.....  
  
"MASTER! WHERE ARE YOU? WHERE ARE....Oooo pretty." Gir said as he picked up the temporal displacement device and looked at it as it glowed a bright light. The small robot handled the device for a second and then looked at its side. "Ooooo BUTTON!"  
  
Gir pressed the button and then pressed several knobs and switches also on the machine. A few seconds after Gir's poking frenzy had ended, the device began to shake in his hand and he dropped it to the ground in fear.   
  
"Uh oh." Gir said as the light on the device grew brighter and brighter.  
  
Back on Blortch.....  
  
"I swear to God Zim, if you grab my ass in this tent, you will get such an ass kicking."  
  
"I don't know what you're talking about."  
  
"Oh please, you make Liberaci look like John Wayne."  
  
"I don't know to what you refer stinkbeast, but Zim is all about the ladies."  
  
"Oh yeah, that was apparent on Irk." Dib rolled his eyes and slumped back into his sleeping bag. Just as Dib began to nod off, he felt a sharp pinch on his rear end....ummm ass. "DAMMIT ZIM WHAT'D I JUST SAY?"  
  
"I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING!"  
  
"....Then what?" Dib flipped open his sleeping bag to see thousands of tiny insects running all over his body. "HOLY CRAP!!!"  
  
"AAAA SCORPIDERS!" Zim leaped out of his sleeping bag and slinked slowly to the side of the tent. "DON'T MOVE OR THEY'LL RIP OUT YOUR SPLEEN!"  
  
"WHAT THE HELL ARE THESE THINGS!" Dib yelled, trying to remain perfectly still as the insects crawled all over him.  
  
"Blortch's version of your earth insects known as spiders, except they're 1000 times more deadly. The only thing that will kill them is horribly sounding frequencies on a low and high signature, but no one's been able to find a sound horrible enough to work." Zim reached for his gun, thinking the only way to be rid of the Scorpiders would be to blast them off.  
  
"WAIT WAIT! I KNOW SOMETHING!" Dib yelled as the insects began to crawl to his face. "DooOOO YooOOUuu BEEeelLLIEeeVVEee IInn LiiFFeee AAffttEERR lOOOveEEE?"   
  
The Scorpiders began to explode one by one as Dib began to sing the horrible Cher song. Just as he hit the last note, all of the remaining insects trying to flee blew into pieces.   
  
"How the hell?" Zim asked.  
  
"I'll have to thank Cher when or if I get back to Earth. Frankly I've had it up to here with aliens, Blortch and Irk included."  
  
"So this means you won't be invading my planet any longer?"  
  
"GO BACK THERE? Like HELL! I'll just leave it up to the government's Black Ops and Nukes to beat you."  
  
"Yeah suurrreee." Zim said sarcastically, rolling his eyes.  
  
"But right now, we're getting the hell out of this stupid tent and finding a freaking power source to get off this God forsaken planet."   
  
Back on Earth.....  
  
"DIE ZOMBIES DIE!" Gaz cried as she looked at the television screen, her main character blowing off zombie heads left and right.  
  
"Gaz.... I'm so sorry!" Membrane came into the room sobbing, smelling of cheap whiskey and snails. "It was me who killed your....hey you wouldn't happen to have any money on you would you? I drained your college funds betting that your brother's corpse would pop up in the near future."  
  
"No dad. Now leave me alone, you may be my father but no one gets in my way when it comes to.... Hey what's that?" Gaz said, pointing out the window.  
  
"I don't know." Membrane said, puzzled at the sight. Just as he began to contemplate what was happening, a blinding light came out of nowhere . "I CAN'T SEE!"  
  
"WHAT? WHAT'S HAPPENING?" After a few seconds of the light, it stopped as abruptly as it had begun. The father and daughter rubbed their eyes, trying to regain their vision. Gaz blinked her eyes a couple times as she regained her vision and then, when her vision was finally restored.......she looked outside.   
  
".....Oh my God."  
  
Back on Blortch.....  
  
"Come on you wimp, this'll work!" Dib said, practically dragging Zim across the terrain.  
  
"YOU IDIOT! DO YOU KNOW HOW UNLIKELY IT IS FOR A LIGHTING BOLT TO HIT THE POWER SOURCE? I MEAN BLORTCH DOESN'T EVEN HAVE LIGHTNING!"  
  
"Yeah yeah, we have about the same chance as Sinbad getting his own tv show *blatant rip off* but he did, and so will we....Get power I mean."  
  
"And how do you suppose we do that? AND WOULD YOU STOP DRAGGING ME!!" Dib let go of the annoyed Irken and pointed to a nearby peak.  
  
"Simple, we go up to the highest point and hold the device up into the air."   
  
"......You think of that all by yourself?" Zim said sarcastically.  
  
"Shut up Irk boy. You're plan of 'sitting around and doing nothing' wasn't working out too well."  
  
"I'll punch you in YOUR wormhole." Zim muttered.  
  
"What was that?"  
  
"Nothing."   
  
After a few minutes of walking and hiking, the unlikely pair finally made it to the top of the peak.  
  
"All right." Dib said confidently as storm clouds began to form near his point. "This should work."  
  
"Uh oh."  
  
"Uh oh? WHAT UH OH?" Dib cried, Zim pointing down.  
  
"THAT UH OH!" As the two looked down, they saw thousands of rat people slowly beginning to congregate along the edge of the peak and began to climb toward them.   
  
"OH GREAT! JUST GREAT!"  
  
"LOOK! WE CAN DO THIS! YOU JUST HAVE TO GET THE CLOUDS ANGRY AT YOU!!" Zim yelled, shaking Dib.  
  
"......You've taken way to many prozacs Zimmy."  
  
"NO YOU IDIOT! The clouds on Blortch are sentient, if you get them angry, they'll try to shoot you with current bolts. If you can make sure that they hit the device, that will give us the needed power." Zim then took the device and programmed it. "THERE! It'll take us to Earth. I'll keep the rat people busy while you aggrivate the clouds."  
  
"All right." Zim then turned around, two large shotgun type lasers bursting out of his backpack. He grabbed the two in the air as Dib walked over to him. "Good luck."  
  
"....." Zim then punched Dib in the stomach, hard. "Up yours stinkbeast. Just because we're working together doesn't give you the right to get all weepy on me. Just get the power, DICK!"   
  
"AAAK!" Dib cried in pain as Zim dropped down into the crowd of rat people.   
  
"ALL RIGHT RATTOS! WHO WANTS TO TAKE A TRIP ON ZIM'S WILD RIDE?" Zim then proceeded to pound round after round into the crowd. Limbs, appendages, and organs began to fly past him as for every rat he took down, another was there to take its place.   
  
"Damn." Dib said in astonishment as he saw Zim hold off the Blortchians. The young earthling then snapped out of it as he turned around and ran toward the clouds. Holding the device high up into the air, Dib then thought of the perfect insult. "YO CLOUDS! I DID YOUR MOMS LAST NIGHT, NOOGE!"  
  
"Oh for the love of..." Zim said rolling his eyes, still pumping blast after blast.   
  
Dib closed his eyes and waited for the power to course through it, but nothing happened. "What? Why aren't they attacking?"  
  
"COME ON! COME ON! WHO ELSE WANTS SOME?" Zim said as he kept pulling the triggers of his shotguns. Just as Zim took down another rat person, he heard the sound of his two guns' chambers go on empty. "Oh crap."  
  
"ZIM! THEY'RE NOT GETTING ANGRY! I SAID I DID THEIR MOTHERS AND EVERYTHING!"  
  
"Stupid stinkbeast." Zim muttered to himself as a huge double edged laser axe blew out of his back and fell into his grip. "CLOUDS DON'T HAVE MOTHERS YOU IDIOT, THEY DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT!"  
  
"Oh crap. What else can I say to them?" Dib contemplated.  
  
"JUST DO SOMETHING DAMMIT!" Zim said as he slashed away at all the rat people more and more surrounding him.   
  
"Ok, let me think. ....GOT IT!" Dib said, once again holding the device in the air. "YOUR NIMBUS IS SO STUPID, WHEN IT SAW THE SIGN SAYING AIRPORT LEFT, IT WENT HOME!"  
  
With that the cloud let out a huge amount of energy, striking the power source of the device. Dib yelled in triumph as he looked at the machine.  
  
"ZIM! THE DEVICE IS READY!"  
  
"STUPENDOUS! NOW...." Because Zim was paying attention to Dib, he did not see the spiked tail of one of the rat people fly at his face. The tail struck against the side of the Irken's face, knocking out his right eye and shattering his antennae. Zim then slammed into the rock behind him and reached for his sword which had fallen to the ground. Just as he finally grabbed it, one of the rats bit down on his left hand, ripping it off at the wrist. "AAAAAAAAAAAAA!"   
  
"ZIM!" Dib cried as he began to slide down the cliff. He finally reached Zim, who was on the ground reaching for anything that would dissuade the rat peoples' wrath. "Ok, ok, which button was it?"  
  
Zim spit up some blood up into the air and managed to point at the button that was flashing a green light.   
  
"Fine, HERE WE GO...ALL SLIDERS AND CRAP!" Dib yelled as he pressed the button, a temporal gate forming in front of the two foes. Dib threw Zim through first and then jumped in behind him, but not before he threw something back from Zim's backpack.   
  
The rat people sniffed at the small device which had a smiley face on it, with a note attached which read....  
  
"1...2...3...BOOM!" The device then exploded taking out the rat people and half of Blortch.  
  
"OOF!" Dib cried as he hit the ground with a large thud. He breathed in deep as he realized he must now be home. Before he looked at anything, he had to check on Zim. As he looked up there he saw Zim, looking good as ever. "Zim?"  
  
"What?" As Zim turned around, Dib noticed the Irkens backpack working on his eye, antennae, and hand. The backpack strung together machinery where the Irken parts used to be and gave them the appearance of what they once were.  
  
"Damn. Where do I get me one of those?" Dib asked.  
  
"You don't get one stinkbeast. Only those with technological know how and experience can get these.....thingies." Zim then turned around and began to tinker with his new robotic parts.  
  
"Well thats a relief any.....way..." Dib stopped dead in mid sentence. "Zim?"  
  
"WILL YOU NEVER STOP QUESTIONING ME STINKBEAST? WHAT IS IT NOW?"  
  
"I thought we were going to earth."  
  
"IDIOT WE ARE ON......earth....." Zim said as he looked up. The scenery was changed, almost split into two. On one side, the landscape of earth. On the other, the cold, red landscape of Irk. The two were now merged with one another, half was earth and half was Irk. The two enemies stood silent with their mouthes open for a good ten minutes before Dib finally said something.  
  
"Oh boy."  
  
End Invader Dib  
  
Coming Soon.......  
  
Invader Dib 2: When Worlds Collide. 


	17. Invader Dib 2: Preview

Invader Dib 2: Preview  
  
Zim's gonna have a lot more to deal with than just Dib this time around.   
  
"THE WORLD'S HAVE COME TOGETHER!"  
"WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE!"  
".....I like to wear diapers."  
  
Get ready for the Invader Dib 2: When Worlds Collide. Irk and Earth have joined together as one and someone's gonna have to clean up this s**t and guess who that would be.  
  
"KNEEL BEFORE ZIM!"  
"And Gir..."  
"And Dib..."  
"And Gaz..."  
"And some other people."  
  
GET READY FOR HELL ON EARTH/IRK!  
  
"YOU MEAN THERE REALLY IS AN INVADER IMA?"  
"BOTH WORLDS ARE GONNA DESTROY EACH OTHER!"  
"THIS IS IT ZIM! YOU DIE TODAY!"  
"DIIIIIRRRRR!"  
  
"Who the hell are they Zim?"  
"They're my brothers."  
  
"Gaz, I have to tell you something before I go."  
"Yes Zim?"  
".....You suck and no one likes you, now leave me alone, don't grab my ass."  
  
Join me in a short while for the sequel to the world wide known Invader Dib....ok county wide....ok men's outhouse wide known Invader Dib as we see what happens to the world which is SPLIT INTO TWO!  
  
JOIN ZIM! DIB! GIR! DIR! GAZ! INVADER DEVI! MEMBRANE! BITTERS! TALLEST! NNY! DEVI! SQUEE! SHMEE! DOUGHBOYS! REVEREND MEAT! MOOSE! FILLER BUNNY! AND A BUTTLOAD MORE AS BOTH WORLDS BECOME ONE!  
  
".....Mom?"  
  
Its gonna be a hell of a ride....  
  
Are we done? We are. Ok, someone get me some coffee and a crueler for God's sake. Ugh. *Turns off funny fountain and reverts back to normal.* Jeez, I need a drink and a shower....and cheese and maybe one of those frilly little doohickies that you put in drinks. THOSE THINGS ROCK!  
  
"TTAACCOOOOSSS!"  
  
Are you still here? 


End file.
